chores and feelings

I feel like I got a lot done this weekend, mostly chore type stuff I needed to get done.  I've been slowly decorating my new house.  Mostly just waiting to see what areas feel like they need color, you know?  

This little collage is at the end of the hallway where the bedrooms are.  I had kind of thought maybe I'd put a picture there but then I changed my mind.  In the rental I had this arrangement in the kitchen, except the wreath at the bottom was hanging from a cabinet door.

Saturday I did some weed eating in the back yard.  I finished right as it started pouring rain!  Perfect timing.  I did laundry and cleaned up the house, which felt good to do. The wood floors really show how much Rocky and George shed.  I'm so glad I can sweep it up, it's not trapped in carpet.

I also finally blocked my Duchess of Devonshire shawl.  I finished this in February, but that was right as I was packing and really ramping up to move so it got put aside.  I used some Soak wash in an ocean kind of scent.  George, of course, had to be right in the middle of the action!  She cracks me up!

So I bought a bed for the spare 'oom so my Mom can come visit and have somewhere to sleep.  As soon as I set it up George was right on top of it and jumping in the window.  She loves to keep an eye on the neighborhood. Not that there's much action happening, it's a quiet neighborhood.  Which I like.

 I took this picture of the stitches up close because my camera has trouble catching all the colors.  It's really like rainbow colored and vibrant.  One of the greens is like neon.

Sunday was more of the same, little chores around the house.  I really wanted to make some strawberry rhubarb jam.  I was fortunate to have a rhubarb plant already here in the front flower bed when I moved in!  It's quite syrupy right now but I think it may gel up in time.  Not that it will last very long! ha!

I know I've been a bit distant from my blog.  I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed lately.  I don't even know if that's the right word really.  I guess since I can't exactly explain how I feel I haven't felt like anything I say would come out right.  Like not genuine.  I simply can't act very well.  I've been trying to keep the blog light, only talk about crafty stuff or general random stuff.  Which is fine. I don't even know what people want to read, who even reads this blog.  So that's part of it too.  When you don't know your audience it's hard to know what I should say - like am I saying too much?  too personal?  not enough?

Which is funny because when I knew it was just a couple friends and my Mom reading I didn't care what I wrote.  Well.  Except for my Mom, couldn't write too much that might make her worry.  Like after Scott died it would upset her that I was upset.  So then I started trying not to be too dark, too much.  

Here's the thing: I am too much.  I think too much.  I feel too much.  I definitely eat too much!  I talk about my grief too much.  I miss my husband too much.  I miss the life I wanted with him too much.

But lately....especially with this new house, I've felt a slight shift.  Which feels like a betrayal - as if I should worry about that! but it does.  The fact is that I did not die when Scott did.  I felt as though I could have.  When your heart is so wrapped around someone else and they die, your heart shatters.  And implodes.  There are days that I feel I am walking around with a gaping sucking wound where my heart is.  It explodes with pain and then sucks back in on itself again.  It is a horrid feeling that has no relief.  

What do I do with that when I feel like that and everyone around me is normal?  People expect me to be "over" it.  We all know there is no over it.  We all know that but I'm the only one feeling the cavern of my heart.  People say "you're not alone".  People say of course you're not over it.  But there's an impatience I feel from them.  It's like a "it's been 3 years are you still talking about that?" pause I get. It's hard to be around people who can't relate, who don't want to.  Or there are new people who don't even know what happened or who Scott was and explaining sucks.

So I don't even know my point.  I guess just that in between the normal, everyday stuff I still get overwhelmed and set back.  And I've mostly adjusted to that, learned to gloss it over and adapt.  But I also need a space where it's safe to let my feelings out, where no one visibly winces or shrinks away or doesn't know what do, say, or how to handle me.  This blog doesn't shy away from me.  It is freedom to type out my feelings, back space what I don't want to share - but I got it out!  

I am not going to apologize for making any of you uncomfortable.  Unless it's my Mom, ha!  Then, sorry Mom but you know I'll feel better just getting it all out.

beach thoughts

I know I've been quiet for a bit.  There has been so, so much going on.  In life, in my thoughts, in my emotions.  Just too much really.

Last weekend Rocky and I drove over to the coast.  Monday, April 4th was the third angelversary of my Scott's death.  I knew what to expect from the previous 2 years.  This year there is a deeper sadness that I can't exactly explain, nor do I really want to.  Everything boils down to life moving on, away from him, without him.

Maybe I'll elaborate another day when I have the energy.  Really, though, I just miss him so much and he is missing so much.

As usual, the beach is the perfect place for me to be.  The water all the days I was there was the color of Scott's eyes - deep blue.  Depending on the clouds, it could change to grey as well.  For the most part the weather was perfect.  Blue skies, sunny.  But it was really very windy which made it cold.  Here you can see the wind blowing up Rocky's ears.  Oh yeah, don't mind my finger in the shot there. ha

Here's Rocky longing to run down the beach and make friends with the dog by the water.  Oh how he wished me could be "off leash".  But, I'm afraid I may lose him if I let him run free.  Because he would run and run.

Tuesday we just walked on the beach at Crescent City.  Again, super windy but walking it felt fine.

Coming home was actually nice, this new house is so comfortable.  The bathroom is still a work in progress, but otherwise is coming together nicely.

Today I painted the walls in the bathroom.  Some of the wall texture stuff got on the ceiling which needs to be sanded off and then I'll paint the ceiling too.  I really love the way this color turned out - it's really limey and sherbert-y.  Oh, yeah that is my living room lamp in there since the light is not installed yet.

I almost forgot.  Yesterday I actually sewed something in my new sewing room!  Yes.  So a friend of mine asked me to make a mastectomy drain apron for a friend of hers that is having a mastectomy in May.  Of course I said I would make one for her!  I googled it to get some direction.  Turns out they are so easy.  I am going to make a couple so she can choose.

house dreaming

I can finally share my big news here: I bought a house!  I signed closing papers yesterday and got the keys in the afternoon.  I still have to keep telling myself it's real, it's really real.  I bought a house, me, by myself.  Well, I have to give the biggest of shout outs to God.  His hand has been on this from the beginning, before I had an inkling that I for reals wanted to attempt this endeavor.  And He has made every step of this house happen.  Seriously.

After Scott died, someone asked me at the funeral (yes at the funeral) if I was going to stay in this town.  I don't have family here, so it may seem logical to leave.  At that time my first inclination was to run.  Run away from pain, from memories.  But.  The first year I spent a lot of time at the coast, a lot.  That is the perfect place to run away to.  Naturally, I thought, maybe I should live on the coast.  But.  Every time I'd think of starting over somewhere I would shut down.  It overwhelmed me, and frankly I have enough that overwhelms me.

I did start to notice how I'd feel driving home.  I became aware that this town feels like home to me.  I used to feel that way driving to Chico, which is where I grew up and my Mom still lives.  But, somewhere along the way it changed.  I never felt like I wanted to move back to Chico, it's too much for me - too hot, too many people, too expensive.  Still I did struggle wanting to be closer to my Mom.  I looked at real estate websites and rentals.  By myself I can't afford to live there, and I didn't want to start over with everything.

Always, simultaneously I was watching the real estate here.  Last year was the perfect time to buy.  Prices for nice places with land were cheap.  I still hesitated, but did start the groundwork for "what if".  Finally I had a conversation with Mom.  Of course she wants me there.  What I didn't expect though was her complete support - she was more gung ho than me!  I shouldn't have been surprised though because she has always, always been my biggest supporter.  I guess it was more of a relief having her encouragement.

So fast forward to this year.  Naturally, which I think is normal with real estate, there was a first house.  I loved it.  Had so many dreams and plans for it.  But, every step of the way with that house was painful, like pulling teeth.  Like it would be difficult then easy.  So each time it would get to easy I thought, it must be okay, it must be meant to be.  We went back and forth with the seller.  He finally accepted my offer with an exception.  At that point I realized I might be pushing something that God had given me warning after warning for.  I could push it.  And then be in a huge mess.  So I said no.

This house has been the exact opposite of the previous.  Everything has gone smoothly.  It is a foreclosure so I'm not going to lie, it's a mess and dirty and needs a lot of work.  Mostly cosmetic work though (that I know so far).  And, I have to say I have had the best people helping me.  My lender, Karlie, has been amazing.  Like the best.  Easy to work with, knowledgeable, reassuring and an advocate for me.

 It has everything I had on my wish list.  Wood floors, a dining room, a fireplace, a sewing room, a garage, nice light and a nice yard for Rocky.  The funny thing is I didn't even know a fireplace was on my wish list!  But the first house had one and I found myself really dreaming of knitting in front of it, Rocky and George cozy in front of it, a mantel to decorate.

These first two pictures are the living room.  Eventually I'd like to put in a gas insert fireplace.  It is functional as is but that scares me, open fire!  I really love the wood parquet flooring.  It's super dirty because it was under super dirty carpet so I'm hoping it will clean well.  Eventually maybe I can have them refinished or put in laminate.

I took Rocky out there with me to get the keys.  He was very apprehensive but did pretty well.  He's in the dining room in this picture.

I know this isn't the greatest picture, but this is the window box in the kitchen window!!!  I love it so much.  It has little side panels that open, and it's huge!  All my little kitchen plants will go in there.  Plus maybe some little herb pots?  Basil, oregano, yes!

I expected to be a big ol mess yesterday.  Thankfully I wasn't too bad.  I only cried a couple times which is way better than I thought I'd be.  Scott is never far from my thoughts.  I will always wish he were here, that I could share with him whatever is happening in my life.  My mindset has shifted a bit with time, which I think is pretty normal.  I now can imagine how he would be in a situation.  At the beginning my mind rebelled against that notion because I just wanted him here!  Which I still do, will always do, but I've accepted a bit that he's not here.  So now it's like I know how he would react - he would be encouraging, he would be all for it!  He would tell me I can do it.

One last thing and then I have to go and start cleaning.  Everyone who knew Scott was devastated by his death.  His Dad had so many plans with him for retirement: hunting, fishing, hanging out.  At some point, not right away, he started to say he had to dream a new dream.  I'll be honest, I hated that saying.  I did not want to dream a new dream, no.  Nope.  no new dream.  All my dreams included Scott, I could not imagine anything without him in it at least somehow.  God knew that wasn't healthy for me.  I fought dreaming, I did.  I don't know when or how, but God slowly put a house dream in my heart.  And now it's happening and I am so thankful.  So very thankful.

visitation tangent

I had a dream with my husband Scott this morning.  It was so vivid, so entirely real.  We were somewhere and I had cut my hand and needed just a little band aid.  And he was holding my hand and when I looked down he had put this GIANT turquoise band aid on that completely covered my hand, and then dabbed the little one on top.  And we were cracking up, just giggling and being silly....then my alarm went off! And I was jarred back to reality.  So confusing.

I love having dreams with him in them.  But, because my dreams have always been so real, they are oftentimes confusing when I wake up.  I am simultaneously comforted by his apparent presence and then shaken up by reality.

There are some people that believe that these are visitations.  That Scott's spirit really does visit me in my dreams.  I can discern a difference between the ones that feel like he's really with me and the ones where I'm searching for him or he's just a representation of an issue.  But I don't know if I believe his spirit is here.  I mostly believe he's in heaven and has no contact with earthly issues.  I think watching loved ones suffer, the sadness, frustrations of life, pain - watching all that and being helpless to comfort or intervene might be a sort of hell.  Also, being around loved ones and not being able to laugh, love, interact with them would not be fun.

Anyway!  Tangent.  If spirits do roam around and their way to make contact is dream form then that was totally Scott.  He was a comforter.  He was the funniest person I've ever known.  He always knew how to ease my moods, make me laugh, calm me down.  I needed that today for sure.  Of course, then the rest of the day feels a bit off kilter - wishing I could stay in my dream next to him.  Reality of life, going to work, making real life decisions that are stressful and cause fear.

Oh man, fear.  Not my favorite thing.  I'm full of fear lately.  Well, I alternate between fear and hope, excitement and trepidation.  But!  It will all work out, God willing it always does.

avoidance

Today I'm going to do something I've been avoiding for 2 years.  I am going to work on cleaning/purging the spare room.  AAAAAh.  I really. don't.want.to.

My husband Scott died 2 years and 1.5 months ago.  At the beginning I did really well with the "things".  I rationalized that they were, after all, just things.  Not him.  But now, this far into the journey, I want to clutch the things that I know his hands touched, that fit onto his body, that might still smell like him, that he read.  Those things are the hardest to even fathom getting rid of.

I'm not saying today I will be getting rid of anything of his.  But!  I do need to organize and put things in order so you can at least walk in there.  I can consider getting rid of my things in there, or at least unpacking boxes.....and then deciding if I need it in my life any more.  I need that room to be functional.

The funny thing is that I've been working up to this all week.  So what have I done?  Slept in....drag my feet about making coffee....thought maybe I'll start after this or that.......

The good thing is that I have a mini goal in mind.  I'm  finally buying a desk to put in there and the gal I'm buying it from is moving in a few weeks!  So, I can put my computer in there instead of the kitchen table.  And that leftover headboard may find a bed attached to it someday soon.  And Jan said she'd like to have a yard sale in June so you see how it's all lining up for me to start now, today?

I just have to say, for probably the millionth time - I really miss my husband.  Thursday night the new bed frame set up I have started to fall down.  Like the box spring would fall between the bed rails.  While I was on it.  Talk about startling.  So, I'd take the bed apart and think I had it lined up and then womp! it would fall again.  It didn't come with cross boards.  And I didn't realize I'd need them.  One thing in a million trillion that Scott would have known and it would not have been a frustration.  I try to remind myself I'm learning life lessons.  I'm learning how to be an adult.  After crying and cussing and really disappointing myself generally I try to remind myself it is okay.  I'll figure it out.  Slowly, painfully, rudely.  But I do figure it out.

It's more than just making my life easy that I miss him.  I miss talking to him.  I miss my best friend.  I miss his love.  I miss his hands.  His reassuring strong hands.  Oh man and his musicality!!  I didn't appreciate how nice it was to talk to someone who knew the name of bands I like and songs I've heard and could discuss it and give insight and, and, and....

I know I'm procrastinating right now.  We all know I miss him and for a myriad of reasons that are all valid and good.  Right.  I'll just go and open the door.  Wish me luck (or perseverance really).

it's only a bit of rain

Another almost sleepless night.  I had a king sized bed in the room but somehow Rocky had me all the way to the edge.  And so many thoughts.  I did get a bit more sleep than the night before so that was good.  I woke up hearing water sounds on the road.  The weather actually did what was forecast!  Rain and blustery.

That didn't stop me, though.  Trinidad is like an hour away from where I was staying so I thought maybe it wouldn't be raining there.  I stopped at Starbuck's and ordered a butterbeer latte from their secret menu that one of the barristas knew how to make.  It was soooooo good.  You need to try it.  If they don't know what it is I've linked the recipe.  Because it's seriously delish.

On Hwy 101 there is this house.  In my head I call it the Fairy Tale House.  Sometimes it's Hansel and Gretel who live in it, sometimes Snow White.  All I know for sure is that it emerges from the forest like a dream in it's own little meadow.  And I love it.

It was still pouring rain in Trinidad.  So, I drove around the teensy town, thinking I could wait it out.  Because I'm so patient.  

Except I'm not patient.  But I do have a raincoat.  And Rocky loves the beach so I went for it.  I'm so glad I did.  We had the beach to ourselves.  Which was perfect, because the tears that were stuck yesterday came down with the rain.  And I yelled out at Scott how much I love him and miss him.  It didn't feel good exactly, but it needed to come out.  And then I quickly looked around to make sure we were truly alone.  

 We had a bit of sun and I was hopeful it would stay....I started thinking, see! all I needed to do was wait that rain out.  Then, Rocky and I got soaked while I was pre-occupied looking for agates.  And then these dark clouds started coming in.  It started to pour again and Rocky gave me this look like I'm over it.

And now I'm home.  I really hope I can sleep tonight.

4-4-15

So here I am at year 2. Last year on this day I knew I could not stay home and had to venture to the beach where we scattered part of his ashes.  This year was the same.  I didn't even consider any other option.  And, really, it was exactly the right place to be for me. 

I hardly slept last night.  Partly being away from home and partly anticipating today and not sure how I would be feeling.  At around 5 am I finally fell asleep for a solid 2 hours.   I was super sluggish getting going, no motivation.  My need for caffeine was the driving force to get out of the hotel room.   Remembering how much Scott loved being on the coast, loved camping in the Emerald Forest campground, loved fishing, loved the green, loved the beach, loved looking for agates, loved me and introduced it to me.

The thing is, I miss him every day.  There is not anywhere I go that somehow doesn't remind me of him.  He is forever in my heart and today is no different.  My heart has broken so many times in so many ways that today I just felt numb.  It's like when you stand out in the cold and get so used to it you almost don't feel it anymore.  Almost. 

 

It was an absolutely beautiful day at the beach.  The waves were huge.  Rocky absolutely LOVED the beach and that was really the best distraction I could have.  It made it easy for me to focus on him and not why we were there.

 Here's the best "delfie" I could get - dog/selfie.  Every cute thing that Rocky did I would think how much Scott would have enjoyed watching him discover the beach for the first time.  And then I thought since part of Scott's ashes are there maybe a part of him does see us?  I don't know.

Here are the elk just outside of Dry Lagoon.  So cool!

I had planned to stay at Dry Lagoon until sunset, but while I was walking Rocky I saw some punks over by where I had my blanket and jacket so I started moving that way - and sure enough the jacket I just bought last night had been stolen!  You know what?  People suck sometimes.  My bad for leaving it under the blanket though.  Dumb.  

But Rocky was absolutely pooped.  Every time I'd stop walking he'd lay down.  We will both be sore tomorrow!

Once back in Crescent City, I stopped to take in this gorgeous sunset.  Really, it was the best it could be today.  I was at one of his most favorite places, which has also become mine.  I remembered his sweetness, his love, his life.  

marching on

I've been hesitating to write about my emotions lately, I think.  I have barely been writing in my personal journal.  And I've written posts here and not published them.  Part of it is that I don't really know who my audience is...and the other part is that I do know who is reading and I don't want to offend anyone.  Or, not offend but bore or cause worry.  But, it's got to come out somewhere, right?

I've shared that in the past few weeks I've had some big things happen, car accident, Joey's lymphoma diagnosis.  In a little over a month it will be the 2 year Angelversary of the day my husband, Scott, died.  I've been trying to minimize or ignore my feelings.  But, my body knows it's coming.  My anxiety level has been slowly building.  In the afternoons mostly I feel like my heart just races, my stomach is queasy and I feel like I'd like to hide in a dark room.  Every day feels like sensory overload.  I get home and feel the day slowly fade and I can relax with my pups.

I still have a stab of fear thinking about April 4th.  That day.  My brain screams out against it, not wanting to face it.  My mind flits around to all the things that hurt and touches them like feeling if a bruise hurts or not.
The song that was played at his funeral - why did the band pick that song?  Was it just because they had played it a lot or because it meant something?  I remember sitting in that front pew hearing them play it and I could hear Scott drumming even though they just left his drum set empty.  I picture his expressions and the way he'd hold the drumsticks.  But he wasn't there and how in the world is that possible!!!!  I heard the words of the song as if it was written to me and still do.

I have a million questions and no one to ask.  Some I don't really want the answers.  Some I just want to talk to someone who knew him but no one talks to me.  I want to hear all the stories, I want to say and hear his name and not feel someone shy away from me.  

So I have had this storm of emotions brewing and stewing.  I have felt so much like I don't fit in anywhere.  I have heard this - this build up - called the Death March.  It's where you have a date of someone you love who died looming and your body feels it and your mind replays all the moments leading up to that huge event.  I know from last year that the actual day might not be bad.  But the build up is bad.  Not everyone understands.  Right now I will only tolerate anyone who does understand and that's also hard.  I mentioned how I feel and the death march to a friend and she said, "so you're feeling your own mortality like you think you're going to die then?".  No.  Not everyone is the same but when you've had a loss of this magnitude your body feels it.  Your mind counts everything back to that day, aligns dates by it.

Anyway, I went to the cemetery yesterday.  I let out all that built up emotion.  I talked to him about everything, all my feeling about everything I've mentioned here and more.  I cried, yes.  It felt good, so relieving to let it out.  And yes I know he's not there but I talk to him as if he is.  There was never any judgement from him in life and it is the same in death and that is what I need.  No opinions.  Dang it though I do wish I could still get his advice!  Today my heart feels calm.  Hopefully I can hold onto this calm feeling through the week.

sad moment

January 13, 1996.  It was a Saturday night.  I was in Job's Daughters at the time, there was a formal event and I wore my red sequined dress.  After the formal a friend of mine, her boyfriend and their friend, Scott, were meeting me to then go to a party.  My friend had been wanting to set us up.  I met them outside, and the second I saw Scott I knew.  I knew I loved him and that we would be married.  Our marriage was not perfect.  But no matter what we always remembered January 13th as the day we met.  As a special day.

So, yesterday came and went.  No one to reminisce with.  Not just me telling someone hey guess what today is?  I miss that cozy togetherness of sharing memories of the moment we found each other.  I mostly did okay.  But today, today I felt it.  That feeling that is both hollow and heavy at the same time.  The feeling that I could cry at any second.  I did survive the day because I know by now how to set my feelings aside (for the most part) and get through.

"Missing" him is not enough of a strong word for what this feels like.  At least once a day I am still caught off guard by wanting to talk to him or thinking of him as if he is alive and snapping back to "he's dead".  Dead.  Gone.  But, oh, how I long to hear his voice, tell him all the details of everything.

Sorry to keep going on with my sadness.  In a way though I'm not sorry.  This is my life.  It's real and messy and sad at times - it is what it is.  Right now I'm very sad.  Tomorrow will be different.  That's the other thing I've learned about grief.  Just one day at a time.  And when the day is overwhelming or too much just take it an hour at a time, a minute if need be.

time just passes

My husband was 11 months and 26 days older than me.  Our birthdays are 5 days apart.  So, I'd have my birthday, and for 5 days we'd be the same age and then he'd have his and be a year older again.  He died when he was 37 and I 36.  The day after his angelversary, 4-5-14, I became officially older and the time has kept going.  And tomorrow I will be noticeably older than him by the number of years.  I will be 38.  

I have surpassed his amount of years.  I don't know how to put into words how odd and sad this makes me.  Unless you've experienced this I don't think you can understand.  I know that everyone just wants me to be thankful for what I had and grateful for what I do have.  And I am, I AM.  But, I have also always been a thinker, an overthinker mostly.  

And the other thing is that he brought magic to my life.  He was the adventure and fun.  There were so many things I didn't notice or care about before he came along and then for 17 years I had fun and magic and him.  Then suddenly I didn't.  I am exceedingly thankful that he introduced me to the things he did.  But, the contrast of what I have now is stark.  It would be like living in an environment of overgrown jungle and warmth and then being dropped into a cold desert.  Can you picture the difference?  

So, yes, I am thankful to be alive.  Tomorrow begins my personal new year.  God willing, I will wake up 38 years old.  I just will always wish he was still alive.  I will always check voicemail for his yearly birthday song singing message.  I will crave his touch and dream of his laughter.  I will be thankful that I knew those things so dearly.

As I've said previously, December is hard for me.  Monday will be his birthday and I will wish somehow to wake up and he will still be here.  My mind mostly knows he's gone but part of it and all of my heart still hope it's just the worst dream.  The best gift is that I knew him for 17 years.  I had his love and it still warms me.  

holiday dread

I'm dreading the holidays.  I wish I could hibernate for half of November until the middle of January.  And somehow still get paid and dogs taken care of.  It's not going to happen, I know that.  December is a bit of a bomb for me.  It starts with my birthday.  Then 5 days later it's his birthday.  Then Christmas. The month ends with what would have been our 17th anniversary.  Then there's New Year's.  ug. g.g.g.g.g.g.

I was trying to ignore it.  But a gal at work asked me what we should plan for Christmas at the office, gift exchange, ornament exchange, secret santa?  I brushed her off.  But it keeps popping up.  It used to be my favorite time of year.  I loved to decorate, put up a tree, lights, music, hot chocolate - everything.  Today at lunch I didn't mean to but I started thinking about whether I'd want to put up a tree this year.

My own tree.  By myself.

Scott was fundamentally against fake trees.  He loved a fresh tree that would scent the whole house.  We would put up special ornaments and lights and have Bing Crosby crooning in the backround.  The warmth was not just from our propane heater, it was the love of the season that we both had.  Together.

If I wanted an artificial tree I could do it.  If I want knitted ornaments, I could make them.  I've had a turkey in my freezer since last year - I could roast it.  I could try and make my own memories.  Nothing really feels special alone though.

I know I'll get pity invites that will be made to seem like it's not out of pity that I'm being invited to their personal family traditions.  It is nice to be thought of, that anyone would try to include me, it really is.  But it's not the same.  It's just that nothing feels right with him gone.

Today, all day, unbidden thoughts of him throughout the last year of his life keep haunting me.  I will just have a little snippet of him laughing, no inkling of what was coming.  His little quirks - like the way he would sometimes clear his throat or cough.  In the early days I worried about whether or not he knew in those last moments that he was dying.  I didn't want him to be scared.  I'm glad that he hadn't been sick and suffering, didn't have that fear of when is it going to happen.  But it's just so disconcerting.  One second here, the next not.  Saturday marked 18 months since he's been gone.  Some days I get caught in the "it's not fair" trap.  Because it's not.  And I don't have the strength to find the silver lining.  To only consider how lucky I was to have him for the time I did.  I do know that.  I do know that I was lucky to have him, blessed by him immeasurably.

But anyways.  I've been trying to think of somewhere to escape to.  Or do I just see if I can handle it this year?  I know my puppies and George would appreciate me being home, spending the days with them.  I don't know yet.

***Disclaimer: this is my grief journey.  There are no answers to it.  I know there is nothing anyone can say to make it better and that's okay.  This is my space to just get my feelings out.

grief continues to suck

I hadn't had a meltdown for a few weeks.  I started to think maybe I was doing okay.  I would have days where I didn't even think about the things that make me sad, and would go for hours without thinking about Scott.  I would have days where I didn't think about him dying, just think of him.  In the back of my mind I was wondering how long that would last?  I was thinking this numbness I was feeling was just another grief response.  When I got back from vacation I had a similar crash like I did coming home from Camp Widow, just not as intense.  But I made it through the week just fine for the most part.

Oh weekends.  Time to really sink, time to be so, so alone.  Time for thoughts.  I didn't really see this one coming.  I had plans Friday night and it was nice.  Stayed in bed almost all Saturday.  But rallied myself into going to trivia night where I spaced out most of the time.  Funny how you can be in a crowd, surrounded by friends but be completely alone.  Yesterday I sewed and chilled with the boys.  Sounds pleasant, yeah?

It all started with a bucket.  And here's what you should know about grief - nothing is off limits to set you off.  How benign is a bucket???  I've made my own laundry soap for a long time and my bucket somehow got a crack in the bottom so had been leaking all over.  Ugggg.  But I remembered that I had made soap for Scott once with his old spice bar soap.  So, I looked for that bucket.  And I found it.  And the smell of his soap in that bucket was like a slap in the face.   And there was still soap in the bucket.  Clearly I can't use that soap.  In my head it's his soap.  I still have the contents of his wallet together with the money in it that I will never use.  It's his.

One of the things that kept coming to mind the past few weeks is how much I long to talk to people about him.  No one talks to me about him really.  A lot of people I'm around didn't even know him.  So there was a feeling for a bit that wondered if he really existed?  Was he really here?  Were we really married.  Of course I have pictures and my memories.  But the mind plays tricks.  I miss him so much.  And that word 'miss' doesn't quite cut it.  The bucket gave me that reminder that he was here and it also made me cry out all the pain that was there and hiding in numbness.

Sometimes crying is a relief.  Sometimes just suppressing my grief every day to get on normally, it feels good to let it go on the weekend.  And then other times it's so intense a pain, it's indescribable.  All I wanted after that meltdown was a hug.  And here comes the isolation of my situation.  I have friends, yes.  So I ran down that list thinking - could I call them and ask to come over and just get a hug and then leave?  No.  I had just had a really, really ugly cry.  And people have families and kids and I really just only wanted a hug.  No talking.  No chatting.  I didn't want to have to explain why, I also didn't want to freak out their kids by coming over a mess.  And I'm funny about hugs.  I have a time limit and I am not touchy feely.  So no.  No finding someone to hug.  The moment passed anyway.  Thank God for my dogs.  They can't hug but they do love me :)

*Disclaimer: this is my grief journey.  There are no answers to it.  I know there is nothing anyone can say to make it better and that's okay.  This is my space to just get my feelings out.

dog lady

Well friends, it's possible I've crossed into the realm of the crazy dog lady.  Not because I have a million dogs or anything.....I made a snood for Joey :)  Today was a rather rough day for me.  I felt groggy and tired all day.  Then, took the pooper in the vet to have the rest of his sutures removed from his ear and she tells me that all of his lymph nodes are enlarged.  And have I noticed if he's lost any weight?  He's 10 and may be an indication of lymphoma.  Or infection.  Or allergic reaction.  I mean - ugh!  I got to the car before I started to cry.  I reeeeeaaallly couldn't handle hearing that today.  I got him home, pulled myself together and made an appt for tomorrow morning to have blood drawn.  Start with the first step, right?

So I got home after work and I thought I'd make him a little snood to maybe control the ear flapping a bit.  I thought, I need to use some "boy" fabric, and I had bought this fun guitar fabric that also looks a little camo-ey that I had originally bought to make pajama pants for Scott.  I don't know if it's really going to work.  So far he does good with it running around but then has rolled on the bed and worked it down around his neck.  I'll see if I can somehow get the elastic a bit tighter around the head.  Hmmmmm.

In other news, last weekend I was talking with Mom and realized I hadn't really shown much about this current quilt I've been working on!  Whoops.  So I started it awhile ago on a whim and then lost interest in it.  I've been calling it the 'Rainy Day' quilt in my head.  The day I started it it actually was rainy and the colors remind me of grey rain clouds, a bit of blue peeking through, dark rain clouds and a  bit of sunshine every little bit.  The pink is just because I thought it needed a bit.  

Each square is 9.25 x 9.25 so I have been up in the air about what I want the finished size to be.  I think 72 x 81?  That's what I'm aiming for right now.  The light is not great in the picture, but you get the idea. 

Yesterday was the 4th of the month which marked 16 months since Scott died.  The 4th of any month is still pretty raw for me.  Yesterday I did really well though.  I had run out of my usual yogurt for breakfast so I grabbed some cheese curds and then realized as I was eating them that that was something he loved and had introduced me to.  Then, when I got home from work there was a package from Amazon.  I thought it might be a book on tape that I had ordered but it was a Sherlock Holmes episode I had forgot I ordered!  Another thing he loved and introduced me to.  I've come to a point where I can feel like these are little nods, reminders, hellos from him.  

People always say that he's not really gone, he lives on in my heart.  Perhaps these little things along with my memories are what they mean.  I'd rather think that he's in heaven and isn't bothered at all by Earth and it's struggles any longer.  But some days it's nice to also think that he's saying hello and love you from beyond.  

dreams and missing him

I think I've mentioned before that I have very detailed dreams.  A lot of times they are like watching science fiction or horror movies.  Sometimes they are just plain weird.  One thing they are always is exhausting.  Confusing.  And I usually remember them vividly.  Last night I had a dream that was weird and confusing and also had a few food combinations that I feel I should try.  Peanut butter and jelly on chocolate chip cookie bread - yes!

At the beginning of the dream Scott was alive.  And he was standing behind me and I was leaning on him.  Such a comforting, secure feeling.  That warmth supporting me, knowing that he had my back, literally.  And then the dream changed and he was in a plane crash and died but no one else was even injured and I was so confused how that could happen.  And, then I painted myself neon fuschia.  Huh.  And then it got even more weird and confusing ending with a dessert buffet.

But that feeling, I really miss that feeling.  The security.  I think that part of the dream came about because I was thinking yesterday that I miss the no judgement discussions we'd have.  About politics, religion, everything!  And yes I also miss the physical security.  I wasn't afraid with him around.  He was the biggest, baddest, coolest dude anywhere.

Anyway, no real point here - just life I guess.  That's what's happening on Wednesday at my house.  Oh, yesterday was "dog day" so I let Joey run around naked!  No cone and since his cone is attached to his collar, no collar!  He was a free dog!  

sticky tags

I bought this jar today to make sun tea.  I had a bit of an inside joke with myself because as I was washing it before filling it with the water to make tea I wiped over the sticky tag at the bottom (the upc).  Why I was laughing at myself is because I have a tendency to leave tags on things after I buy them.  Obvious tags.  And it used to drive Scott crazy!  Like cuckoo crazy.  He'd come across something with the tag on it and he'd say "why don't you remove this?!"  and I'd shrug and move on, still not removing the tag.  And he didn't then either.  So, it became a thing.  He'd come across one and I'd hear "grrrrrr!".  And I'd just smile.  It was just one of those things.  I actually took the sticky tag off this jar.  Would it make him crazy to know that I waited until he was gone to start removing tags?  I don't know, maybe :)  And for some reason that made me smile today.  And feel a bit like a turkey bird.  Eh.

Saturday morning.  I woke up about 3 or so and realized I didn't need to be to work until 8:30 so could still sleep!  Couldn't quite get back to sleep so about 6:30 decided to just get up.  I put on a knitting podcast and finished up the head of the bunny I've been working on for-ever!  I think I mentioned that the pattern is written to knit on two needles flat and then seam along the bottom and I decided to wing it and knit in the round.  So, once I got down to 12 stitches across 3 needles I added the eyes and stuffing.

 Then added an extra decrease so there wouldn't be a gap at the front.  Added more stuffing.

 Before closing up the hole I threaded a large eye needle and went back and forth behind the eyes and pulled tight to create little indents.  You can see the ears in the backround ready to be sewn on.

 My row counter that came as a gift with my favorite knitting magazine a few years ago pooped out a couple weeks ago.  I was super bummed because it's a cute owl shape.  I thought maybe I could find another cute shaped one online - but NO!  This is the cutest one I could find, if you look close there's a little smile under the numbers.  Riddle me this, though!  I bought it from ebay for $1.58 - free shipping! from CHINA!  How is that even possible?  Shipping a package anywhere is more than $1.58 let alone the price of the product.  Ca-ray-zay!  But, I got it in the mail in a fair time frame and it did indeed come from China.  I can't wait to try it out.

 I worked this morning and so did Jan so afterwards we got together for our bi-weekly manicures that we do ourselves.  I didn't do that great this time.  I cut my ring finger nails tooooo short so they look weird to me and then my polish was just all over the place and ugggg.  It's still pretty though - and I do love me some glitter!

Most days lately I don't cry.  I feel like my chest is sunken and I still miss Scott like crazy.  Last weekend there was some drama and I cried a TON on Sunday.  But, this week, processing the events, I think it will be okay.  Last night I went to a Christian concert at a new coffeehouse that just opened.  I debated about going because sometimes going alone to things just sound dumb.  But, staying home felt dumb too.  So I went for a bit.  The group I saw I knew the singer and the drummer.  Surreal though because back in the day it would have been Scott drumming that I would be watching, supporting.  Scott was a very distinctive, intuitive drummer.  There was one song last night that almost sounded like it could be him drumming and it took the wind out of me!  I could hear the way he'd drum to that song, there were parts that it could have been him but of course wasn't.

Memorial Day 2014

Last year on Memorial Day I drove over to Eagle Point National Cemetery where Scott's cremains are buried and was blown away by the sight of flags on every single grave.  I had not, of course, brought my camera since I didn't know that they did that.  This year, I came prepared.  I drove over late yesterday because the cemetery is open on Memorial Day and it's quite busy and I wanted a little privacy.  It was an absolutely gorgeous day, also very windy.

Right inside the main entrance is this flag display.

I found out that it's a school that comes to the cemetery to place the flags on the Friday prior to the holiday.  I thought that was kinda cool.

This is Scott's section.

 I take a little blanket and sit next to this site and tell Scott all about the previous two weeks.  I tell him how much I miss him, how his family is doing and how much they also miss him.  On holidays like this I thank him for his years of service.  It is comforting to me to do this.  Yes, I cry.  But it's a release.  And I like to make sure he has bright cheery flowers.  And then when the sprinklers come on in his section it's time to leave.

 Looking up the hill all the flag were waving in the wind.  Truly touching.

 This is the back entrance on my way out.  There were flags all along the entire perimeter of the cemetery.

 I had the boys with me in the back seat of course!  Joey likes to stick his head out the window and I got a good picture of that.  I love his face in this picture.  His cheeks flapping.

 Back in Klamath I was treated to a beautiful sunset across the lake.

Today, on Memorial Day I am thankful for those who have fought and died for our freedom.  And, yes, I am going to barbeque because I know that those who I am remembering, honoring, would want me to enjoy the day!  And have a hot dog ;)

bags and life

Here's what's been going on around here the last couple weekend: bag making!  So exciting, right?  Well, it's a little thing but I found a tutorial that showed how to put little tabs at the end of the zipper on pouches to put an end to that awful pucker that happens.  I'm digging it.

 Yesterday I made this drawstring pouch from a tutorial on In Color Order.  It was super duper easy!  And I do love a lined bag so will put this to use.  It's a little smaller than what I need right now so I'm going to make a bigger one today.

Edited to add this picture.  I needed a longer version of the above bag to accommodate a skein of Red Heart yarn which are longer than normal skeins of yarn.  It looks like a mini yoga bag :) Um and then I bought the pattern because I am crap at figuring out what size to cut things to turn out the way I'd like it to!  

Another thing going on around here is this:

That would be George lounging on the chest I bought last year at a yard sale that I intend to repaint.  So, last year Mom and I were driving to the coast and on the way out of town saw a yard sale.  Now, my Mom wants to stop at every yard sale, no matter what.  And she thinks I'm being mean to her when I don't stop.  But, this time I had spotted the chest and I wanted one to put Scott's stuff that I want to keep forever in.  So, I slammed on the breaks and pulled over.  Unfortunately, it was what I call a DOG SALE, which is a yard sale gone wrong.  And the chest was dusty and needs some TLC and it also has bits of pressed wood so not the greatest.  But, hey!  I'm cheap and felt a little cornered so paid the gal $10 and made a deal to pick up on the way back from the coast and we were on our way :)  When we got back Mom and I picked it up and I put it in the living room.  Where it sat in the middle of my living room for maybe a month or two.  I just wasn't ready to deal with it yet or try and figure out repainting.  So, I tucked it behind a chair I had by this window and it's been George's favorite perch to watch the world through the window.

BUT!  holy cow this is the longest story in the world -sorry.  BUT! I gave that chair away this week and the chest was exposed, I put the pillows that had been in the chair on the chest and voila! George has hardly moved since :)

I've been going to a counselor.  For my grief.  At first, I wasn't really sure it would be for me.  But, it's started to become something that I look forward to a little.  Every two weeks I know I'm going to get to talk to someone who doesn't make me feel like a freak about my anxiety, the crushing sadness, my stress, being a widow and all the challenges that come with that.  She's also a Christian so she points me to the ultimate counselor, God.  The weekend before last I went to the cemetery and it was actually a relief to talk to Scott, to just cry, let it out and not be completely wrecked when I left.  I also found some lime green mums to take, green was his favorite color.  I share this not to bring anyone down but because this is my real life.  This is why it's a struggle for me to even make one zippered pouch.  I know I've said it a million times - but the void from him being gone is so overwhelming!  I miss him so much, every single day.  But, I am trying.  I am figuring out who I am without him.

disconcerting dreams

I had a dream about Scott last night.  It started out somehow that I was at a marina and had been wanting to take our boat our but a storm was coming in so I was tying the boat to the dock.  I am not a boat person so I was having trouble getting the knot to stay.  A boat tour had just let out so people were walking by and a couple of his friends stopped and told me how to tie the knot.  I recognized them from the funeral so I introduced myself in case they didn't know who I was.  I shook hands with both of them and then I spotted Scott coming down the dock from the boat tour.  I immediately forgot about the people and ran up to him.  The scene changed and we were in a theater of sorts that held a high school reunion for my high school.  There were lots of people milling about waiting to take a group picture.  Scott and I were having fun, running around, holding hands and joking together.  I remember thinking in the dream how proud I was to have my classmates meet him and see how tall and handsome and funny he is.  But in the same thought I realized that I am also a widow and worried that it would be weird.  The dream ended when I realized that some of the group of classmates had taken a picture previous to the reunion and they had never intended to let the rest of us be a part of the picture with our spouses.  I was really upset and looking around registering the surprise and shock from the others there.  Scott said he needed to go to the bathroom to wash his hands.  I watched him go in but he never came out.  The rest of the dream was me going from restroom to restroom trying to find him, thinking somehow he had gone in to a different one.  The crowd thinned out and I got bolder, going inside the men's room calling for him.  But he was gone.

I woke up confused.  I long for the elation of being with him.  The silly, fun times we had.  I knew in my dream that I was a widow but I still so wanted to believe that he was here with me.  I think I had that dream because I posted this picture of me and him with his family at Disneyland in 1999 right before he went to Korea.  Last night I was reminiscing about how much fun we had and even though we were with his family it was us.  We were having so much fun.  We loved going to Disneyland together.  We went one other time right before Thanksgiving one year.  We had to board our dogs at the time but then we ran around like two kids.  Scott was very tall so rides were a tricky thing for him, but I remember we'd still cram ourselves into the sled thing for the Matterhorn and Splash Mountain where you sit one in front of the other.