house dreaming

I can finally share my big news here: I bought a house!  I signed closing papers yesterday and got the keys in the afternoon.  I still have to keep telling myself it's real, it's really real.  I bought a house, me, by myself.  Well, I have to give the biggest of shout outs to God.  His hand has been on this from the beginning, before I had an inkling that I for reals wanted to attempt this endeavor.  And He has made every step of this house happen.  Seriously.

After Scott died, someone asked me at the funeral (yes at the funeral) if I was going to stay in this town.  I don't have family here, so it may seem logical to leave.  At that time my first inclination was to run.  Run away from pain, from memories.  But.  The first year I spent a lot of time at the coast, a lot.  That is the perfect place to run away to.  Naturally, I thought, maybe I should live on the coast.  But.  Every time I'd think of starting over somewhere I would shut down.  It overwhelmed me, and frankly I have enough that overwhelms me.

I did start to notice how I'd feel driving home.  I became aware that this town feels like home to me.  I used to feel that way driving to Chico, which is where I grew up and my Mom still lives.  But, somewhere along the way it changed.  I never felt like I wanted to move back to Chico, it's too much for me - too hot, too many people, too expensive.  Still I did struggle wanting to be closer to my Mom.  I looked at real estate websites and rentals.  By myself I can't afford to live there, and I didn't want to start over with everything.

Always, simultaneously I was watching the real estate here.  Last year was the perfect time to buy.  Prices for nice places with land were cheap.  I still hesitated, but did start the groundwork for "what if".  Finally I had a conversation with Mom.  Of course she wants me there.  What I didn't expect though was her complete support - she was more gung ho than me!  I shouldn't have been surprised though because she has always, always been my biggest supporter.  I guess it was more of a relief having her encouragement.

So fast forward to this year.  Naturally, which I think is normal with real estate, there was a first house.  I loved it.  Had so many dreams and plans for it.  But, every step of the way with that house was painful, like pulling teeth.  Like it would be difficult then easy.  So each time it would get to easy I thought, it must be okay, it must be meant to be.  We went back and forth with the seller.  He finally accepted my offer with an exception.  At that point I realized I might be pushing something that God had given me warning after warning for.  I could push it.  And then be in a huge mess.  So I said no.

This house has been the exact opposite of the previous.  Everything has gone smoothly.  It is a foreclosure so I'm not going to lie, it's a mess and dirty and needs a lot of work.  Mostly cosmetic work though (that I know so far).  And, I have to say I have had the best people helping me.  My lender, Karlie, has been amazing.  Like the best.  Easy to work with, knowledgeable, reassuring and an advocate for me.

 It has everything I had on my wish list.  Wood floors, a dining room, a fireplace, a sewing room, a garage, nice light and a nice yard for Rocky.  The funny thing is I didn't even know a fireplace was on my wish list!  But the first house had one and I found myself really dreaming of knitting in front of it, Rocky and George cozy in front of it, a mantel to decorate.

These first two pictures are the living room.  Eventually I'd like to put in a gas insert fireplace.  It is functional as is but that scares me, open fire!  I really love the wood parquet flooring.  It's super dirty because it was under super dirty carpet so I'm hoping it will clean well.  Eventually maybe I can have them refinished or put in laminate.

I took Rocky out there with me to get the keys.  He was very apprehensive but did pretty well.  He's in the dining room in this picture.

I know this isn't the greatest picture, but this is the window box in the kitchen window!!!  I love it so much.  It has little side panels that open, and it's huge!  All my little kitchen plants will go in there.  Plus maybe some little herb pots?  Basil, oregano, yes!

I expected to be a big ol mess yesterday.  Thankfully I wasn't too bad.  I only cried a couple times which is way better than I thought I'd be.  Scott is never far from my thoughts.  I will always wish he were here, that I could share with him whatever is happening in my life.  My mindset has shifted a bit with time, which I think is pretty normal.  I now can imagine how he would be in a situation.  At the beginning my mind rebelled against that notion because I just wanted him here!  Which I still do, will always do, but I've accepted a bit that he's not here.  So now it's like I know how he would react - he would be encouraging, he would be all for it!  He would tell me I can do it.

One last thing and then I have to go and start cleaning.  Everyone who knew Scott was devastated by his death.  His Dad had so many plans with him for retirement: hunting, fishing, hanging out.  At some point, not right away, he started to say he had to dream a new dream.  I'll be honest, I hated that saying.  I did not want to dream a new dream, no.  Nope.  no new dream.  All my dreams included Scott, I could not imagine anything without him in it at least somehow.  God knew that wasn't healthy for me.  I fought dreaming, I did.  I don't know when or how, but God slowly put a house dream in my heart.  And now it's happening and I am so thankful.  So very thankful.