Saturday, June 29, 2013


Last weekend I went to the beach by myself. Yep, alone. And I really needed that time just to myself.   The two weekends prior we were doing the estate sale and cleaning and sorting and just stuff all the time.  My brother came out from Pittsburgh, PA and was a huge help.  My mom and best friend came up from Chico and were a huge help.  My father in law was here and he brought a crew of guys from his church to help and everyone did such huge things, helped in such huge ways.  We were completely blessed to have people want to help and really pitch in so much.
The estates sales were hard.  I think I did well keeping myself together but almost everyone who came had a comment about the drums "someone was a musician" and I'd explain that that "someone" was my husband.  The surprised expressions, the pity, the sadness was wearing.  Along with just the fact of getting rid of a lot of his stuff.  So anyhow I needed to unplug.  I needed to not worry about any schedule or anyone's feelings or anything.  I drove over to Crescent City on Friday, checked into my hotel and then sought the first beach I could find.  It turned out to be perfect.  There were a bunch of pelicans and seagulls in this little freshwater area.
100_3344[1]I loved watching the pelicans fly up and then dive down headfirst into the water after food.100_3352[1]The thing that I had sought after most, not having a schedule, was actually really hard to let go of and let myself do!  Saturday I had planned to get up early and drive down to Trinidad, which is about an hour.  But, it's hard for me to stay asleep so I tossed all night and about 5 or 6am I finally started to feel like I could sleep and I had to decide whether to get up and keep with my schedule or just laze about.  I lazed.  I got to Trinidad about noon, had some lunch and then hit the beach.  This is one of the beaches that we would always go to.  See all those rocks?  Prime agate hunting.  We would lay on the beach and sift through the rocks and find agates.100_3360[1]It was a perfect day.  So full of memories.  So beautiful.  Sad.  But the ocean just has a way of soothing.  So I found a good handful of agates, I knitted.  I sat and prayed and thought a bunch.  I missed him horribly.  I thought about how his eyes were the color of the ocean under blue sky and how much he would have loved such a clear day.100_3356[1]But, he's gone.  I can't come to grips with that.  I still can't believe it.  I don't want to believe it.  I miss everything about him even the bad things.  I just wish he didn't have to go.

Across the street from the turnoff to the beach is a meadow that has elk.  I stopped and watched them for a bit and got a few pictures.  I love how fuzzy their little nubbins are on their heads.100_3355[2]

Thursday, June 20, 2013

I know I haven't checked in for awhile, sorry about that.  Everything is super overwhelming right now.  We did two weekends of estate sale which was really tough.  I don't quite know how to explain it.  Feeling like I don't feel right selling his stuff and profiting from it but then intellectually knowing that I can't use the stuff and I have LARGE bills.  HUGE.  So selling what I can will help me not completely fail financially and become homeless.  I mean, I have two dogs to support so I can't just shut down.  This week, though, shutting down sounds really nice.  If hubs had had life insurance or something to where I wouldn't have to work to survive for even like a month I would take the time and just cry.  Last night I was watching a movie and thought of the scar he had on the left side of his forehead right above his eyebrow.  It was a jaggedy sort of scar like it had been sewn together roughly.  Each time I'd ask how he got it he'd have a new story.  Shrapnel, clocked on the head, hit it on something.  He was always messing with me.  I miss that because he was the only person who could mess with you and sort of make fun and you'd think it was hilarious!  Now everyone who messes with me just makes me mad.
Today I had an appointment for the gospel mission to pick up the stuff that didn't sell.  The guy came and took as much as he could but there were a few things that he couldn't use so I threw them in the dumpster.  Along comes a guy on a bike who had been by several times while we had the sale and while the donation truck was there.  He saw the open dumpster and asked if he could have anything out of it?  I was at a loss and was like yeah.  So he proceeded to dig out what I had just thrown away - a kitchen sink, a 30 gallon fish tank, empty drill containers.....random stuff.  It was so weird and kind of funny,  and somehow upsetting to me.  I can't explain why but it just made me cry.

I know people go through this every day.  I know I am not experiencing anything new.  But dang, this hurts and I am so sorry to anyone else who has to also experience it.