Sunday, April 27, 2014

whimsy in the kitchen

This post is mostly for my Mom.  I was trying to explain to her this plate that I painted a few years ago that is very sad but kinda cute.  I wish I could find my original inspiration because truly if you saw that next to this you'd laugh as hard as I did!!!!!  This is a classic example of what always happens to me - I get an idea and I just know it's going to turn out super cute!  And then it doesn't somehow translate to real life.  

And I've been seeing on blogs and Pinterest these embroidery hoops with fabric all arranged together cute.  I thought I'd also throw in one of my favorite pictures of Scott and I.  I'm not sure I like how it all turned out?  It's a tighter grouping in person, I think the angle of this picture makes the top one look really far away from the others.  The turquoise backround with daisies I had some crocheted trim that I picked up somewhere so I just gathered it around and stuck it down with hot glue.  The bright pink is vintage sheet.  The top right is little apples!  Eeeek I love those little apples.

 This little hoop I decided to try out another thing I keep seeing that I think is cute: embroidered sayings in hoops.  My embroidery is not super clean, like my stitching is hard to read I think.  EH.  It says, "Thus far has the LORD helped us" which is from one of my favorite verses 1 Samuel 7:12.  I was going to put Scott's favorite verse "This too shall pass" to help remind me to stay present and enjoy the now - but thought this is also a good reminder that God has helped me get this far and He won't abandon me.
 Here's a close up of the picture.  This was taken the day we got engaged!  We were so young.  I was 19 and he was 20.  We had come up to Oregon to visit his parents who were at the time living here.  This was in September, I believe.  In 3 months he would be leaving to re-enlist in the Army and he wanted me to meet his parents before he left.  It must have been a test and I passed because on the drive home he proposed.  That big old green truck was so much fun!  He named it Stomper.  It was big, and loud!

Saturday, April 26, 2014

knitting and weekend update

I started a knitted fox.  And then ripped it back at least 4 times!  First off I haven't done intarsia before which is knitting with multiple colors.  I thought I needed to carry the colors across, so the first time that's what I did and I pulled it nice and tight thinking that would be great!  Then got to the end and the nose was folded in on itself!  Riiiiiip.  Did that twice.  Rip.  Then I was off on my count. Rip.  Then, I finallllly watched a youtube tutorial, thought I had it - didn't.  Rip.  Watched a different youtube and realized what I was doing wrong, got about half way and realized I was on the compete wrong color anyway!  Grrrr.  About here I was starting to think, who needs a knitted fox anyway?  But I stuck with it.  Here's a view from the inside.  
 You can see where the colors change you sort of loop one color around the other.  At each start point of the next color you have another length (or bobbin, or ball of yarn) to pull from so you're not twisting the yarn all up.  
And here you can see how the fox face is shaping up.  It's quite a bit smaller than I thought it would be, a lot smaller than my bunnies have been.  So, will be rethinking how I do the eyes because my regular safety eyes are huge on it!

So, last weekend I drove down to Chico, where my Mom and bestie live.  The weekend before was my Mom's birthday and Jeannette and her family were having a huge family even at their Catholic church (baptisms, confirmations for all of them, first communion) on the night before Easter so I thought it would be a good time to visit.  I would say this may have been the best visit in a long time.  My Mom and I had a great, low key visit - the best kind.  The weather was absolutely perfect and we got to sit out in her back yard and enjoy it together.  We hit up Goodwill and I found a TON of great books.  Even a couple skirts and pants!

And then, I went to Easter Vigil.  I wasn't sure what to expect.  I had been told it would be 3 hours so honestly I was thinking 8:30-11:30 pm was a looooong time sitting in a church!  But, it was great!  Everyone was very welcoming.  There was a lot going on, no time to be bored at all!  And, watching Jeannette and her family takes these steps together, as a family, was so great!  And the singing!  These ladies and men who sang had voices of angels.  Yes, at midnight I was feeling tired, but it was so worth it!

Sunday Mom and had our normal delicious breakfast at Italian Cottage.  And then we went to Barnes and Noble and picked out magazines and found a comfy spot.  I found two totally awesome British versions of knitting magazines, Mom treated me to one cuz those suckers are expensive!  The one I bought was $16!  But, they don't have it in Klamath so it was worth it.

It was hard to leave but I was missing my puppies!  And there's a time limit on when I could pick them up so I had to jet.  It was a great visit though.

Oh and P.S. remember how last post I was thinking spring had sprung?  Well, in true Klamath fashion it snowed this week!  And it's cold again!  But, the farmers need the water so I won't complain.  (too much)

Sunday, April 13, 2014

goals and stuff

This past week has been a bit of a crapshoot.  Like technically it was fine.  Emotionally not so much.  Sleep was not my friend this week so you know how emotions are like so much more out of control when you're tired.  But! I survived.

So last weekend at the coast I journalled a ton, it felt really good.  I hadn't been writing for awhile because I was starting to feel like a broken record.  I miss him so much, why is he gone, blah blah blah.  *grin* so I hadn't been writing, then last weekend I took the opportunity to make a bunch of goals.  All good stuff.   Today I made a little frame goal board for my table, which is where my computer is until I get a desk and organize the spare room.  It works for now.  So, I wrote down some easy to manage, short term goals.  I have to tell you that the pencil holder is so old!  I made it in ceramics class in college (perspective 18 years ago!)  As you can see, I'm not great at ceramics.  LOL I found it in Scott's stuff when we were going through the man cave.  He had also held onto a little bowl and it had coins and little like pocket items in it.
 And, dun dun dun!  I put books in my bookcase.  These books were all in two different book shelves in the spare room.  So, now I have two partly empty shelves in there that I need to reorganize.  The only thing is that to me now the room feels cluttered with the added visual noise in the room.  I'm sure I'll get used to it though.
In other news I'm not great at fair isle knitting!  Remember last week I showed you the picture of the yarn I had gotten to make a little fox?  Well, I finished the head this week - was so excited!  But, I also don't know how to carry two colors of yarn while knitting and I had pulled the yarn strands too tight so the nose wouldn't open.  Bah!  So I ripped it back to the beginning of the new color addition, and I'll give it another go!  I've watched a youtube tute so I think I'm set.  One of my short term goals is to knit every day so I'll just keep trying till I get it.

Oh!  Spring has (hopefully) sprung!  It's been warm and sunny all week.  Not even frost on my windshield!  I think it's supposed to be possible rain this week.  So today I mowed the front and back yards.  You know what's the best?  Shellac.  I got my nails done yesterday and today I was pretty hard on them, with regular polish I would already have chipped them all up.  But the shellac looks exactly the same.

Wednesday, April 9, 2014


As I meander around this new life without Scott, without my touchstone, my constant, I feel weird.  I was so hopeful this past weekend that I had turned some kind of corner.  I was making goals, feeling peaceful, soaking up sun.  And then....the plummet back to reality began.  Last year was a fog, everything was just so stressful, my life had been blown up and I was looking around, assessing the damage.  This year, I had such an odd vantage point.  I am living, going through the motions....and I can see where I was last year at this time.  Last week I was seeing myself before I knew he was gone - how I had baked bread and the house smelled so delicious and I left him a voice mail telling him so.  Then d-day.  Then the scattered crazy that came afterwards.  Yesterday was the day of the funeral.  Tonight would have been the last time I saw his body before being cremated and tomorrow would be the autopsy.  Friday was the day I drove his ashes to the coast to scatter on Saturday.  And, since it was a year ago, the date has shifted those days one day ahead.  Which is confusing to me for some reason.  My heart feels it on the actual day of the week (Monday, Tuesday, etc) and then my mind remembers the numbers - because numbers always have stuck in my head.  I feel like I am walking on a rope bridge, the foothold is always shifting.  I think I have it and then the wind shifts and just like that I don't.

I think about all the drama that was going on and how I was trying so hard to not get dragged into it.  To try and treat the situation gracefully.  To try and not get myself blown to smithereens in the process.  To lay low.  To honor Scott because he HATED, hated, hated drama.  He would have hated the way some things went down, the way I was treated.  I think about how every time I thought maybe I could breathe another thing would happen and I would be kicked in the gut again.  But that was last year.  This year, thank God, there hasn't been drama (so far).  Unfortunately my faith in people has been shaken.  Before, I tried to give people the benefit of the doubt.  I always had low expectations of people - but now- now I have even less.  Even still, all that really matters to me is that he's gone.  It still doesn't seem real.

I know I'm just rambling on.  You'll just have to forgive me.  You'll just have to stop reading if it makes you too sad, or makes you worry about me.  Because I have to get it out and I will continue to keep being sad and writing about it until who knows when.  Grief has no time limit.  Everyone experiences things differently.  And I've been to counseling in two different venues and both said the same thing.  what I'm feeling is normal, so if it's uncomfortable....just skim around to the lighter bits.  I will keep doing that too :)

Monday, April 7, 2014

weekend catch up

Warning! Lots of pictures :)

Saturday morning I drove back down to Dry Lagoon hoping to catch low tide.  No such luck.  You can see here where the water is, is usually where I would be looking for agates!  Oh well.  

Before I left the hotel I had texted my friend Michelle to see what time/where she and her family would like to meet up.  I had a personal item that had been Scott's that I wanted to give to Dave (her husband) because they were good friends.  The closer I got to the beach the spottier cell coverage became.  So, I just figured we'd catch up later in the day if I went into town for food or something.  So, I'm wandering around the beach, hoping to find a wayward agate and who comes walking up with a little girl on his shoulders?  Dave!!!  Behind him were a few boys and Michelle.  You see, they have 7 kids!  3 of the older kids weren't there so there were some friend substitutes :)  The older kids are too cool to hang out with their parents and siblings on a Saturday afternoon *grin*.
 They were headed to Fern Canyon and asked if I wanted to ride along in their ginormous van?  Why, yes please!  And, right before getting into the van, Scott's mom and sister were just getting to their car so I also got to give them farewell hugs and well wishes.

And off we went for an adventure.  I'm glad I drove with them because in a few parts there were like streams across the road to drive through and I'm not sure my little Honda would do so well. Maybe.  But I'm glad I didn't have to find out that it wouldn't.

So!  Fern Canyon.  It's beautiful!  You walk through a creek bed in a crevasse that the walls are just covered in ferns!  And greenery and fallen trees and all kinds of stuff.  It was great.  It was a hike, climbing over said fallen trees and rocks and whatnot.  At one point Dave called me a mountain goat, in the nicest way possible because at that moment I was hopping up the side of the hill!
 I found this little toadstool on the top of a rock that was covered in plants.
So, the whole time we were joking about a t-rex coming around the corner at any second.  The older kids were like "whatever" but the youngest sort of believed it.  But, really, in this picture doesn't it look like Jurassic Park a little?  

 Check out this banana slug on a fern leaf.
 I think we were done by about 3 or so.  Definitely a great way to spend a few hours!  It was nice to spend time with Dave, Michelle and their kiddos.  They've always been the kind of friends where years can go by and you don't see each other, and then you do and just pick right up where you left off.  Plus, it was nice to be around friends who knew Scott and we could reminisce a little.  Good times for sure.

After that, it was back to the beach!  There was  a spot that I actually found a few agates.  Then, I got soaked!  So decided my chair and drying off would be perfect.  So I knitted for awhile.
 I know this just looks like a long tube, and it is.  But, on the back I will be adding in a heel and it will be a sock!  As I was sitting there a lady walked up and asked me what I was working on?  I showed her the sock and she said she was a knitter too!  She was staying in Eureka and told me about the yarn store there that she had been to.  I told her I was staying in Crescent City and told her about the yarn store there!  I've decided that so far I've only come across friendly knitters.  Such kindred spirits they are.
Here's the yarn I picked up at the yarn shop.  I could NOT resist that neon sock yarn!!!!! eeeeee!!!!!  And the other two will be making a fox :)

Sunday I got up early and hit the road.  I missed my boys.  I briefly debated staying the day at the beach in Crescent but my boys won out!  I got back just in time to pick them up for the vet early pick up (saved $32) and my boys were so happy to see me!!!!  Poor Rocky has arthritis in his right shoulder and I could tell that it was bothering him.  Major couch time for him.  When I got home, there was this beautiful pot of flowers and the sweetest card!  So thoughtful and cheery.
 I had taken today off, which is Monday, because I wasn't sure how I would be feeling after this weekend.  I'm glad I did because I slept in till 10am with my boys.  It's sunny and I have the back door open for the boys to enjoy the sun, which Joey took full advantage of this morning!
 Here are the agates I found this weekend.  There's on really big one and one that is gray that is pretty cool.  Mostly it's just the fun of finding one in the middle of the gravel washed up from the ocean.
Today I'm doing laundry and chilling with my pooper-doos.  I am going to go sit out in the sun and start knitting that fox.

Sunday, April 6, 2014


I've started this post a few times and stopped every time.  I have so much to say.  I don't know how to put my feelings into words right now.  So, how about a bare bones fact post?  Maybe if I just start writing the words will come.  

Friday was the year mark of Scott's passing.  His one year Angelversary. 4-4-14.  One year ago that day I got the worst news of my life so far.  I am part of a couple widows groups online and there are lots of different ways that people commemorate the day that their loved one passed.  It is certainly not a day I could ever forget.  The only thing I could think of was going to the beach where we scattered his ashes.  His favorite place, which has now become one of mine.  

The drive over goes right past the cemetery where the other half of his ashes are buried.  I drove over Thursday night and made a stop a the cemetery and put the yellow flowers on his grave.  It was raining and dark so I didn't stay long.  It was actually snowy over the pass!  But the road wasn't bad at all so no worries.
I got into Crescent City late, like midnight.  All part of my plan though because I wanted to be able to wake up and just drive to the beach.  I woke up Friday and had to remind myself why I was there, that he's gone.  It's really real.  A year.  The entire drive over I tormented myself with what ifs and wishing for signs of things I'll never get.  Confirmations I'll never have.  Torment.  You want to know what hell is?  Letting your mind go "there" to your worst thoughts, fears, anxiety and not stopping it.  But, as with life, I kept driving.  Went through the motions, slept.  Woke up to a new day.  And what a day it was.

I got some coffee and started making my way down Highway 101 to Trinidad.  It was soSOso perfect!  Massive redwood trees flank the highway with exuberant green bushes, trees, ferns LIFE all around.  Peppered with breathtaking views of the ocean.  I was blessed with sunny blue skies so the ocean was beautiful blue, the exact color of Scott's eyes.

Scott's favorite color was green.  I'm sure there are many reasons why but he told me that this was one of them.  This is the entrance to Dry Lagoon.  The trees form a canopy over the road.  With the sun shining through the leaves it's an ethereal quality I've not seen anywhere else.
Normally at Dry Lagoon we would agate hunt.  But, the tide was definitely high!  So, see these rocks here?  In between them is where we would be agate hunting.  Yep, it's all waves.  But still, beautiful.

Here's something I do A LOT.  I make up scenarios in my head about situations.  It could be anything.  And I picture how I think it's going to go.  And most of the time I'm wrong!  Here's one of those instances.  I thought it would be nice to tie some flowers to some driftwood and float it out to sea.  So I did.  I tied it with wool so it would be biodegradable.  

I ran up to the surf as it was going back out and put the flowers in it.

A wave crashed and spit some of the flowers back.  Hum.  Not what I had envisioned at all.  I should have known, especially after the experience scattering ashes when they just dumped out on my shoe.    So, yeah.  I had a minor meltdown right then.  And then I thought, what if Scott was just giving me some flowers back?  Since he can't really. It's all about perspective.

The rest of the day I spent in my chair soaking up sun, journalling a TON, knitting a little.  It was perfect.  No drama.  No worries.  Just quiet reflection.  Me being thankful, so thankful for Scott.  Everything he taught me, everything he was.  And really, even what he was not.  I've learned so much from him.  I will say that the build up to this day was the worst.  Remembering where I was in the week leading up to his death and still living my life in the present leading up to the day.  It's a weird feeling, straddling the past and present, and comparing the two.  I wasn't sure if I was going to be a complete mess all day but thankfully I wasn't.
Towards the end of the day I had a huge surprise!  I saw a couple of ladies that looked sort of familiar - it turned out to be Scott's mom and sister!  They, also, had felt drawn to that beach that Scott loved so much.  We chatted for a bit, it was really nice.  I don't have much contact with that side of his family so for me it was healing.  His family, both sides and all the extended parts, had been heavily on my mind in the weeks leading up to and including that day.  I prayed a lot for healing and peace, comfort for everyone.

 All in all, for what the day was, his angelversary, it was as perfect as it could have been.  Perfect would have been seeing him walk up, the sun behind him, his easy smile and laugh.  And hunting agates together, being competitive of who was finding the biggest, or the most.  Perfect would be knowing he was somewhere in the world, alive and happy.