still

As I meander around this new life without Scott, without my touchstone, my constant, I feel weird.  I was so hopeful this past weekend that I had turned some kind of corner.  I was making goals, feeling peaceful, soaking up sun.  And then....the plummet back to reality began.  Last year was a fog, everything was just so stressful, my life had been blown up and I was looking around, assessing the damage.  This year, I had such an odd vantage point.  I am living, going through the motions....and I can see where I was last year at this time.  Last week I was seeing myself before I knew he was gone - how I had baked bread and the house smelled so delicious and I left him a voice mail telling him so.  Then d-day.  Then the scattered crazy that came afterwards.  Yesterday was the day of the funeral.  Tonight would have been the last time I saw his body before being cremated and tomorrow would be the autopsy.  Friday was the day I drove his ashes to the coast to scatter on Saturday.  And, since it was a year ago, the date has shifted those days one day ahead.  Which is confusing to me for some reason.  My heart feels it on the actual day of the week (Monday, Tuesday, etc) and then my mind remembers the numbers - because numbers always have stuck in my head.  I feel like I am walking on a rope bridge, the foothold is always shifting.  I think I have it and then the wind shifts and just like that I don't.

I think about all the drama that was going on and how I was trying so hard to not get dragged into it.  To try and treat the situation gracefully.  To try and not get myself blown to smithereens in the process.  To lay low.  To honor Scott because he HATED, hated, hated drama.  He would have hated the way some things went down, the way I was treated.  I think about how every time I thought maybe I could breathe another thing would happen and I would be kicked in the gut again.  But that was last year.  This year, thank God, there hasn't been drama (so far).  Unfortunately my faith in people has been shaken.  Before, I tried to give people the benefit of the doubt.  I always had low expectations of people - but now- now I have even less.  Even still, all that really matters to me is that he's gone.  It still doesn't seem real.

I know I'm just rambling on.  You'll just have to forgive me.  You'll just have to stop reading if it makes you too sad, or makes you worry about me.  Because I have to get it out and I will continue to keep being sad and writing about it until who knows when.  Grief has no time limit.  Everyone experiences things differently.  And I've been to counseling in two different venues and both said the same thing.  what I'm feeling is normal, so if it's uncomfortable....just skim around to the lighter bits.  I will keep doing that too :)