4--4-14

I've started this post a few times and stopped every time.  I have so much to say.  I don't know how to put my feelings into words right now.  So, how about a bare bones fact post?  Maybe if I just start writing the words will come.  

Friday was the year mark of Scott's passing.  His one year Angelversary. 4-4-14.  One year ago that day I got the worst news of my life so far.  I am part of a couple widows groups online and there are lots of different ways that people commemorate the day that their loved one passed.  It is certainly not a day I could ever forget.  The only thing I could think of was going to the beach where we scattered his ashes.  His favorite place, which has now become one of mine.  

The drive over goes right past the cemetery where the other half of his ashes are buried.  I drove over Thursday night and made a stop a the cemetery and put the yellow flowers on his grave.  It was raining and dark so I didn't stay long.  It was actually snowy over the pass!  But the road wasn't bad at all so no worries.

I got into Crescent City late, like midnight.  All part of my plan though because I wanted to be able to wake up and just drive to the beach.  I woke up Friday and had to remind myself why I was there, that he's gone.  It's really real.  A year.  The entire drive over I tormented myself with what ifs and wishing for signs of things I'll never get.  Confirmations I'll never have.  Torment.  You want to know what hell is?  Letting your mind go "there" to your worst thoughts, fears, anxiety and not stopping it.  But, as with life, I kept driving.  Went through the motions, slept.  Woke up to a new day.  And what a day it was.

I got some coffee and started making my way down Highway 101 to Trinidad.  It was soSOso perfect!  Massive redwood trees flank the highway with exuberant green bushes, trees, ferns LIFE all around.  Peppered with breathtaking views of the ocean.  I was blessed with sunny blue skies so the ocean was beautiful blue, the exact color of Scott's eyes.

Scott's favorite color was green.  I'm sure there are many reasons why but he told me that this was one of them.  This is the entrance to Dry Lagoon.  The trees form a canopy over the road.  With the sun shining through the leaves it's an ethereal quality I've not seen anywhere else.

Normally at Dry Lagoon we would agate hunt.  But, the tide was definitely high!  So, see these rocks here?  In between them is where we would be agate hunting.  Yep, it's all waves.  But still, beautiful.

Here's something I do A LOT.  I make up scenarios in my head about situations.  It could be anything.  And I picture how I think it's going to go.  And most of the time I'm wrong!  Here's one of those instances.  I thought it would be nice to tie some flowers to some driftwood and float it out to sea.  So I did.  I tied it with wool so it would be biodegradable.  

I ran up to the surf as it was going back out and put the flowers in it.

A wave crashed and spit some of the flowers back.  Hum.  Not what I had envisioned at all.  I should have known, especially after the experience scattering ashes when they just dumped out on my shoe.    So, yeah.  I had a minor meltdown right then.  And then I thought, what if Scott was just giving me some flowers back?  Since he can't really. It's all about perspective.

The rest of the day I spent in my chair soaking up sun, journalling a TON, knitting a little.  It was perfect.  No drama.  No worries.  Just quiet reflection.  Me being thankful, so thankful for Scott.  Everything he taught me, everything he was.  And really, even what he was not.  I've learned so much from him.  I will say that the build up to this day was the worst.  Remembering where I was in the week leading up to his death and still living my life in the present leading up to the day.  It's a weird feeling, straddling the past and present, and comparing the two.  I wasn't sure if I was going to be a complete mess all day but thankfully I wasn't.

Towards the end of the day I had a huge surprise!  I saw a couple of ladies that looked sort of familiar - it turned out to be Scott's mom and sister!  They, also, had felt drawn to that beach that Scott loved so much.  We chatted for a bit, it was really nice.  I don't have much contact with that side of his family so for me it was healing.  His family, both sides and all the extended parts, had been heavily on my mind in the weeks leading up to and including that day.  I prayed a lot for healing and peace, comfort for everyone.

 All in all, for what the day was, his angelversary, it was as perfect as it could have been.  Perfect would have been seeing him walk up, the sun behind him, his easy smile and laugh.  And hunting agates together, being competitive of who was finding the biggest, or the most.  Perfect would be knowing he was somewhere in the world, alive and happy.