Tuesday, July 30, 2013

projects and pain

In case you didn't know, there is an abundance of rhubarb up here.  I love it!  A lady at work brought me a huge bag of it so last night I sliced it all up in the food processor and made jam and froze the rest. 100_3389[1] I bought these fun squatty pint jars that I think look really pretty with the jam in it. This week I am closing at work which means I don't go in until 9. Usually I sleep until the last possible second and then get ready for work. But today I was up early and got some quilting done! 100_3385[1] this guy was right by my side "helping" 100_3386[1] I am almost done with this quilt top that I started awhile ago. I have one square left and then I can sew the top together. 100_3387[1] I know I'm a broken record, but this week has been tough and it's only Tuesday. Dang. This weekend and most of last week I've really struggled with believing this is all real. Like I'll find myself thinking things are totally normal and then *wham* my mind snaps back with "he's gone" and then I find myself wondering if he really is? I know he is I just can't accept it. I don't want it to be true. I know this is a little morbid to discuss but I'm also having a hard time with the cremation. Like he is completely gone. There is a bit that is buried but other than that he is completely gone. How can that be? Right now I'm not okay with cremation. But, burying his body to decompose is not cool either. ugh. It all sucks. These are things I never, ever thought of before. Why would I? I think back over everything that has happened in these almost 4 months and I feel like I'm living a nightmare. And one that I'm trying to find something that isn't there, that eludes me. I miss him so much it's tangible. Okay confession time - don't judge. I smoked a clove cigarette on Saturday night. I was sitting there feeling like is this real? Is he gone? and I had to do something else, I didn't want to drive anywhere and I can't really explain it. Scott smoked and that's part of what contributed to his death so I should know better. And I have had this pack for 4 years and it's only missing 3 so it's not like I'm a smoker. But anyway. It like conjured him a little. I could picture him smoking, the way he would light up and blow out smoke. The way he held it. When the smoke would go my way he'd wave it towards himself and say "I'm sorry." and I could hear the way he'd say it. Not audibly, I'm not losing my mind. How is it that a habit I hated so much and he hated to do could somehow bring comfort? Ultimately just more pain though because it made me miss him more.

Thursday, July 25, 2013

wild life

The other night I was moving the sprinkler in the front lawn and I looked up and saw two deer!  So close and they had big fuzzy racks of antlers!  I crept inside to grab my camera, I got pictures of one of them but not the other.  So cute!

A week or so ago I drove over to the cemetery and a wild turkey crossed in front of the road followed by 5-6 babies!  Leaving down the road there was a big group of them altogether!  I stopped and snapped a couple pictures.
Last weekend Jan and I had a yard sale and I took a bunch of stuff over to her house.  A TON of books and some knick knacks, the last guitar of Scott's, a couple guns, the amp and effects pedals and just whatever else.  Word of advice if you ever find yourself in my position - ie: a widow.  Don't get rid of stuff so soon.  Some people will tell you that it's best to get rid of things that you won't use or don't need.  True enough.  But, if you're like me then what you'll really feel is like you are losing everything that ever mattered to him and in essence him.  I KNOW it's just stuff.  I KNOW I can't use it.  I KNOW.  But it was his, a part of him and now he's gone and the reminders of him are too.  Sure, I still have some stuff.  But that amp, I remember when he bought it and he was STOKED and he played with it and fine tuned it and really valued it.  That was to him what my sewing machine is to me.  It was a tool for his creativity and it added volume to the music in his soul so he could share it with those around him.  And now it's gone.  The everyday items that he used were taken before I had a chance to pick anything that he wore or kept close to him every day.  I have some things that I can keep as a tangible keepsake, but I wish I had more.  I wish I had the cologne that he wore, his watch, his utility knife that he wore in a pouch on his belt, his belt, the quirky little things that set him apart. 
I have his drum set now in the craft house and now that it's there I don't know that I'll ever be able to get rid of it.  Not right now anyway.  Or his tools or tool box.  Those were his livlihood, how he made a living. 
I sifted through all the books that were his before I parted with any of them.  I kept all the ones that any time of writing to him or his name on the inner cover.  Children's books I kept.  I plan to read most of them because I never did, like the Narnia series, The Lord of the Rings series, Little house on the Praire series.  There was an older copy of Black Beauty and I was thumbing through it and there was one dog-eared page.  On the folded part his Grandma Eunice had written "I hope you finish reading this and write me a letter!"  I cried so hard when I read that.  He loved his Grandma Eunice something fierce and she loved him and I was holding such tangible proof of that sweet bond. 
It makes me really look at my "stuff".  What do I have in my house?  Is it meaningful to me or was it just on sale?  If someone had to go through my things would it be a bunch of junk to them or would it be valued?  I don't know.  I have more sifting to do. 
I know all I've been writing about is pretty downer stuff.  I'm sorry.  and really I don't see an end in sight so feel free to stop reading.  I just have to get some of this out.  I write in a journal too but sometimes it's not enough.  I can type faster than I can write so I can get more out this way.  I just miss him so much.  My heart is heavy every day.  Laughing is literally painful like my chest is collapsing.  I don't even want to smile at people anymore and frankly I noticed other people don't smile much either so who cares.  I am SO thankful to have the time I had with him.  I am so glad to have had him as my husband, even with all the crap we gave each other.  I wouldn't be who I am without him. 

Sunday, July 14, 2013

energy burst

Most days it's a struggle to get out of bed. Even though I've been awake off and on all night I still don't want to get up. Usually I can get about an hour or so after 6am. This past week I dreamed of Scott 3 times, all of them pretty involved so I won't go into it here. One of them he had been dead and returned to life....oh how I wish that could really happen! Doing chores around the house even though it's just me I have to clean up after seems like the most daunting task, and so therefore it usually doesn't get done. So today I slept in until about 10 or so (yes!) and was pleasantly surprised when I felt like getting stuff done around the house. I washed the dishes (luckily not too many) and made a batch of strawberry rhubarb jam. strawberry rhubarb jamThen I made a batch of homemade laundry soap. I had a stroke of genius and used the water from the hot water bath from the jam for the soap! Less waste of perfectly good hot water! Then I just did some general clean up and vacuuming. It felt like I had climbed a mountain and was looking down on a beautiful valley, so satisfying. I know to most people doing menial housework seems like nothing. But, it's been a little over 3 months, 102 days, since my husband died and everything right now is overwhelming. I know I've said it before, but I wouldn't wish this on anyone! I've been going to grief counseling through the local hospice and it's been kind of helpful. Mostly it's been nice to talk to other widows and not feel like I'm making them uncomfortable with my sadness. I have been sewing. I have one finished quilt top that just needs to be pinned together with the back, quilted and bound. I have another that only has one square left to piece and then sew the rows together. I'll post pics when they are done.

Saturday, July 13, 2013

Rocky had a cyst removed from his eyelid yesterday and has to wear a cone.
100_3376[1] He hasn't let it slow him down in the least! He's still running around like "what cone?" 100_3369[1] 100_3370[1] Joey was super curious at first, got right in Rocky's face to sniff it. 100_3368[1]

Saturday, July 6, 2013


What keeps me sane these days?  My puppies.  The other night Rocky was walking around with this bear in his mouth: 100_3363[2]100_3365[1] I tried to get a pic with both pups in it but Rocky kept herding Joey away from the camera (and attention). 100_3366[1]
I would not have these dogs if it weren't for Scott and I am eternally grateful for them.  Growing up, we only had cats and I never was around dogs.  But Scott is a dog man through and through and there was no question that we'd have dogs.  Now, I can't imagine not having a dog!