Thursday, July 25, 2013

wild life

The other night I was moving the sprinkler in the front lawn and I looked up and saw two deer!  So close and they had big fuzzy racks of antlers!  I crept inside to grab my camera, I got pictures of one of them but not the other.  So cute!

A week or so ago I drove over to the cemetery and a wild turkey crossed in front of the road followed by 5-6 babies!  Leaving down the road there was a big group of them altogether!  I stopped and snapped a couple pictures.
Last weekend Jan and I had a yard sale and I took a bunch of stuff over to her house.  A TON of books and some knick knacks, the last guitar of Scott's, a couple guns, the amp and effects pedals and just whatever else.  Word of advice if you ever find yourself in my position - ie: a widow.  Don't get rid of stuff so soon.  Some people will tell you that it's best to get rid of things that you won't use or don't need.  True enough.  But, if you're like me then what you'll really feel is like you are losing everything that ever mattered to him and in essence him.  I KNOW it's just stuff.  I KNOW I can't use it.  I KNOW.  But it was his, a part of him and now he's gone and the reminders of him are too.  Sure, I still have some stuff.  But that amp, I remember when he bought it and he was STOKED and he played with it and fine tuned it and really valued it.  That was to him what my sewing machine is to me.  It was a tool for his creativity and it added volume to the music in his soul so he could share it with those around him.  And now it's gone.  The everyday items that he used were taken before I had a chance to pick anything that he wore or kept close to him every day.  I have some things that I can keep as a tangible keepsake, but I wish I had more.  I wish I had the cologne that he wore, his watch, his utility knife that he wore in a pouch on his belt, his belt, the quirky little things that set him apart. 
I have his drum set now in the craft house and now that it's there I don't know that I'll ever be able to get rid of it.  Not right now anyway.  Or his tools or tool box.  Those were his livlihood, how he made a living. 
I sifted through all the books that were his before I parted with any of them.  I kept all the ones that any time of writing to him or his name on the inner cover.  Children's books I kept.  I plan to read most of them because I never did, like the Narnia series, The Lord of the Rings series, Little house on the Praire series.  There was an older copy of Black Beauty and I was thumbing through it and there was one dog-eared page.  On the folded part his Grandma Eunice had written "I hope you finish reading this and write me a letter!"  I cried so hard when I read that.  He loved his Grandma Eunice something fierce and she loved him and I was holding such tangible proof of that sweet bond. 
It makes me really look at my "stuff".  What do I have in my house?  Is it meaningful to me or was it just on sale?  If someone had to go through my things would it be a bunch of junk to them or would it be valued?  I don't know.  I have more sifting to do. 
I know all I've been writing about is pretty downer stuff.  I'm sorry.  and really I don't see an end in sight so feel free to stop reading.  I just have to get some of this out.  I write in a journal too but sometimes it's not enough.  I can type faster than I can write so I can get more out this way.  I just miss him so much.  My heart is heavy every day.  Laughing is literally painful like my chest is collapsing.  I don't even want to smile at people anymore and frankly I noticed other people don't smile much either so who cares.  I am SO thankful to have the time I had with him.  I am so glad to have had him as my husband, even with all the crap we gave each other.  I wouldn't be who I am without him. 

No comments: