I know I haven't checked in for awhile, sorry about that. Everything is super overwhelming right now. We did two weekends of estate sale which was really tough. I don't quite know how to explain it. Feeling like I don't feel right selling his stuff and profiting from it but then intellectually knowing that I can't use the stuff and I have LARGE bills. HUGE. So selling what I can will help me not completely fail financially and become homeless. I mean, I have two dogs to support so I can't just shut down. This week, though, shutting down sounds really nice. If hubs had had life insurance or something to where I wouldn't have to work to survive for even like a month I would take the time and just cry. Last night I was watching a movie and thought of the scar he had on the left side of his forehead right above his eyebrow. It was a jaggedy sort of scar like it had been sewn together roughly. Each time I'd ask how he got it he'd have a new story. Shrapnel, clocked on the head, hit it on something. He was always messing with me. I miss that because he was the only person who could mess with you and sort of make fun and you'd think it was hilarious! Now everyone who messes with me just makes me mad.
Today I had an appointment for the gospel mission to pick up the stuff that didn't sell. The guy came and took as much as he could but there were a few things that he couldn't use so I threw them in the dumpster. Along comes a guy on a bike who had been by several times while we had the sale and while the donation truck was there. He saw the open dumpster and asked if he could have anything out of it? I was at a loss and was like yeah. So he proceeded to dig out what I had just thrown away - a kitchen sink, a 30 gallon fish tank, empty drill containers.....random stuff. It was so weird and kind of funny, and somehow upsetting to me. I can't explain why but it just made me cry.
I know people go through this every day. I know I am not experiencing anything new. But dang, this hurts and I am so sorry to anyone else who has to also experience it.