Wednesday, January 14, 2015

sad moment

January 13, 1996.  It was a Saturday night.  I was in Job's Daughters at the time, there was a formal event and I wore my red sequined dress.  After the formal a friend of mine, her boyfriend and their friend, Scott, were meeting me to then go to a party.  My friend had been wanting to set us up.  I met them outside, and the second I saw Scott I knew.  I knew I loved him and that we would be married.  Our marriage was not perfect.  But no matter what we always remembered January 13th as the day we met.  As a special day.

So, yesterday came and went.  No one to reminisce with.  Not just me telling someone hey guess what today is?  I miss that cozy togetherness of sharing memories of the moment we found each other.  I mostly did okay.  But today, today I felt it.  That feeling that is both hollow and heavy at the same time.  The feeling that I could cry at any second.  I did survive the day because I know by now how to set my feelings aside (for the most part) and get through.

"Missing" him is not enough of a strong word for what this feels like.  At least once a day I am still caught off guard by wanting to talk to him or thinking of him as if he is alive and snapping back to "he's dead".  Dead.  Gone.  But, oh, how I long to hear his voice, tell him all the details of everything.

Sorry to keep going on with my sadness.  In a way though I'm not sorry.  This is my life.  It's real and messy and sad at times - it is what it is.  Right now I'm very sad.  Tomorrow will be different.  That's the other thing I've learned about grief.  Just one day at a time.  And when the day is overwhelming or too much just take it an hour at a time, a minute if need be.

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