Friday, May 9, 2014

disconcerting dreams

I had a dream about Scott last night.  It started out somehow that I was at a marina and had been wanting to take our boat our but a storm was coming in so I was tying the boat to the dock.  I am not a boat person so I was having trouble getting the knot to stay.  A boat tour had just let out so people were walking by and a couple of his friends stopped and told me how to tie the knot.  I recognized them from the funeral so I introduced myself in case they didn't know who I was.  I shook hands with both of them and then I spotted Scott coming down the dock from the boat tour.  I immediately forgot about the people and ran up to him.  The scene changed and we were in a theater of sorts that held a high school reunion for my high school.  There were lots of people milling about waiting to take a group picture.  Scott and I were having fun, running around, holding hands and joking together.  I remember thinking in the dream how proud I was to have my classmates meet him and see how tall and handsome and funny he is.  But in the same thought I realized that I am also a widow and worried that it would be weird.  The dream ended when I realized that some of the group of classmates had taken a picture previous to the reunion and they had never intended to let the rest of us be a part of the picture with our spouses.  I was really upset and looking around registering the surprise and shock from the others there.  Scott said he needed to go to the bathroom to wash his hands.  I watched him go in but he never came out.  The rest of the dream was me going from restroom to restroom trying to find him, thinking somehow he had gone in to a different one.  The crowd thinned out and I got bolder, going inside the men's room calling for him.  But he was gone.

I woke up confused.  I long for the elation of being with him.  The silly, fun times we had.  I knew in my dream that I was a widow but I still so wanted to believe that he was here with me.  I think I had that dream because I posted this picture of me and him with his family at Disneyland in 1999 right before he went to Korea.  Last night I was reminiscing about how much fun we had and even though we were with his family it was us.  We were having so much fun.  We loved going to Disneyland together.  We went one other time right before Thanksgiving one year.  We had to board our dogs at the time but then we ran around like two kids.  Scott was very tall so rides were a tricky thing for him, but I remember we'd still cram ourselves into the sled thing for the Matterhorn and Splash Mountain where you sit one in front of the other.

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