Monday, May 16, 2016

chores and feelings

I feel like I got a lot done this weekend, mostly chore type stuff I needed to get done.  I've been slowly decorating my new house.  Mostly just waiting to see what areas feel like they need color, you know?  
This little collage is at the end of the hallway where the bedrooms are.  I had kind of thought maybe I'd put a picture there but then I changed my mind.  In the rental I had this arrangement in the kitchen, except the wreath at the bottom was hanging from a cabinet door.

Saturday I did some weed eating in the back yard.  I finished right as it started pouring rain!  Perfect timing.  I did laundry and cleaned up the house, which felt good to do. The wood floors really show how much Rocky and George shed.  I'm so glad I can sweep it up, it's not trapped in carpet.

I also finally blocked my Duchess of Devonshire shawl.  I finished this in February, but that was right as I was packing and really ramping up to move so it got put aside.  I used some Soak wash in an ocean kind of scent.  George, of course, had to be right in the middle of the action!  She cracks me up!

So I bought a bed for the spare 'oom so my Mom can come visit and have somewhere to sleep.  As soon as I set it up George was right on top of it and jumping in the window.  She loves to keep an eye on the neighborhood. Not that there's much action happening, it's a quiet neighborhood.  Which I like.

 I took this picture of the stitches up close because my camera has trouble catching all the colors.  It's really like rainbow colored and vibrant.  One of the greens is like neon.
Sunday was more of the same, little chores around the house.  I really wanted to make some strawberry rhubarb jam.  I was fortunate to have a rhubarb plant already here in the front flower bed when I moved in!  It's quite syrupy right now but I think it may gel up in time.  Not that it will last very long! ha!

I know I've been a bit distant from my blog.  I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed lately.  I don't even know if that's the right word really.  I guess since I can't exactly explain how I feel I haven't felt like anything I say would come out right.  Like not genuine.  I simply can't act very well.  I've been trying to keep the blog light, only talk about crafty stuff or general random stuff.  Which is fine. I don't even know what people want to read, who even reads this blog.  So that's part of it too.  When you don't know your audience it's hard to know what I should say - like am I saying too much?  too personal?  not enough?

Which is funny because when I knew it was just a couple friends and my Mom reading I didn't care what I wrote.  Well.  Except for my Mom, couldn't write too much that might make her worry.  Like after Scott died it would upset her that I was upset.  So then I started trying not to be too dark, too much.  

Here's the thing: I am too much.  I think too much.  I feel too much.  I definitely eat too much!  I talk about my grief too much.  I miss my husband too much.  I miss the life I wanted with him too much.

But lately....especially with this new house, I've felt a slight shift.  Which feels like a betrayal - as if I should worry about that! but it does.  The fact is that I did not die when Scott did.  I felt as though I could have.  When your heart is so wrapped around someone else and they die, your heart shatters.  And implodes.  There are days that I feel I am walking around with a gaping sucking wound where my heart is.  It explodes with pain and then sucks back in on itself again.  It is a horrid feeling that has no relief.  

What do I do with that when I feel like that and everyone around me is normal?  People expect me to be "over" it.  We all know there is no over it.  We all know that but I'm the only one feeling the cavern of my heart.  People say "you're not alone".  People say of course you're not over it.  But there's an impatience I feel from them.  It's like a "it's been 3 years are you still talking about that?" pause I get. It's hard to be around people who can't relate, who don't want to.  Or there are new people who don't even know what happened or who Scott was and explaining sucks.

So I don't even know my point.  I guess just that in between the normal, everyday stuff I still get overwhelmed and set back.  And I've mostly adjusted to that, learned to gloss it over and adapt.  But I also need a space where it's safe to let my feelings out, where no one visibly winces or shrinks away or doesn't know what do, say, or how to handle me.  This blog doesn't shy away from me.  It is freedom to type out my feelings, back space what I don't want to share - but I got it out!  

I am not going to apologize for making any of you uncomfortable.  Unless it's my Mom, ha!  Then, sorry Mom but you know I'll feel better just getting it all out.

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