Sunday, February 22, 2015

marching on

I've been hesitating to write about my emotions lately, I think.  I have barely been writing in my personal journal.  And I've written posts here and not published them.  Part of it is that I don't really know who my audience is...and the other part is that I do know who is reading and I don't want to offend anyone.  Or, not offend but bore or cause worry.  But, it's got to come out somewhere, right?

I've shared that in the past few weeks I've had some big things happen, car accident, Joey's lymphoma diagnosis.  In a little over a month it will be the 2 year Angelversary of the day my husband, Scott, died.  I've been trying to minimize or ignore my feelings.  But, my body knows it's coming.  My anxiety level has been slowly building.  In the afternoons mostly I feel like my heart just races, my stomach is queasy and I feel like I'd like to hide in a dark room.  Every day feels like sensory overload.  I get home and feel the day slowly fade and I can relax with my pups.

I still have a stab of fear thinking about April 4th.  That day.  My brain screams out against it, not wanting to face it.  My mind flits around to all the things that hurt and touches them like feeling if a bruise hurts or not.
The song that was played at his funeral - why did the band pick that song?  Was it just because they had played it a lot or because it meant something?  I remember sitting in that front pew hearing them play it and I could hear Scott drumming even though they just left his drum set empty.  I picture his expressions and the way he'd hold the drumsticks.  But he wasn't there and how in the world is that possible!!!!  I heard the words of the song as if it was written to me and still do.

I have a million questions and no one to ask.  Some I don't really want the answers.  Some I just want to talk to someone who knew him but no one talks to me.  I want to hear all the stories, I want to say and hear his name and not feel someone shy away from me.  

So I have had this storm of emotions brewing and stewing.  I have felt so much like I don't fit in anywhere.  I have heard this - this build up - called the Death March.  It's where you have a date of someone you love who died looming and your body feels it and your mind replays all the moments leading up to that huge event.  I know from last year that the actual day might not be bad.  But the build up is bad.  Not everyone understands.  Right now I will only tolerate anyone who does understand and that's also hard.  I mentioned how I feel and the death march to a friend and she said, "so you're feeling your own mortality like you think you're going to die then?".  No.  Not everyone is the same but when you've had a loss of this magnitude your body feels it.  Your mind counts everything back to that day, aligns dates by it.

Anyway, I went to the cemetery yesterday.  I let out all that built up emotion.  I talked to him about everything, all my feeling about everything I've mentioned here and more.  I cried, yes.  It felt good, so relieving to let it out.  And yes I know he's not there but I talk to him as if he is.  There was never any judgement from him in life and it is the same in death and that is what I need.  No opinions.  Dang it though I do wish I could still get his advice!  Today my heart feels calm.  Hopefully I can hold onto this calm feeling through the week.

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