Tuesday, December 9, 2014

time just passes

My husband was 11 months and 26 days older than me.  Our birthdays are 5 days apart.  So, I'd have my birthday, and for 5 days we'd be the same age and then he'd have his and be a year older again.  He died when he was 37 and I 36.  The day after his angelversary, 4-5-14, I became officially older and the time has kept going.  And tomorrow I will be noticeably older than him by the number of years.  I will be 38.  

I have surpassed his amount of years.  I don't know how to put into words how odd and sad this makes me.  Unless you've experienced this I don't think you can understand.  I know that everyone just wants me to be thankful for what I had and grateful for what I do have.  And I am, I AM.  But, I have also always been a thinker, an overthinker mostly.  

And the other thing is that he brought magic to my life.  He was the adventure and fun.  There were so many things I didn't notice or care about before he came along and then for 17 years I had fun and magic and him.  Then suddenly I didn't.  I am exceedingly thankful that he introduced me to the things he did.  But, the contrast of what I have now is stark.  It would be like living in an environment of overgrown jungle and warmth and then being dropped into a cold desert.  Can you picture the difference?  

So, yes, I am thankful to be alive.  Tomorrow begins my personal new year.  God willing, I will wake up 38 years old.  I just will always wish he was still alive.  I will always check voicemail for his yearly birthday song singing message.  I will crave his touch and dream of his laughter.  I will be thankful that I knew those things so dearly.

As I've said previously, December is hard for me.  Monday will be his birthday and I will wish somehow to wake up and he will still be here.  My mind mostly knows he's gone but part of it and all of my heart still hope it's just the worst dream.  The best gift is that I knew him for 17 years.  I had his love and it still warms me.  

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