Today I'm going to do something I've been avoiding for 2 years. I am going to work on cleaning/purging the spare room. AAAAAh. I really. don't.want.to.
My husband Scott died 2 years and 1.5 months ago. At the beginning I did really well with the "things". I rationalized that they were, after all, just things. Not him. But now, this far into the journey, I want to clutch the things that I know his hands touched, that fit onto his body, that might still smell like him, that he read. Those things are the hardest to even fathom getting rid of.
I'm not saying today I will be getting rid of anything of his. But! I do need to organize and put things in order so you can at least walk in there. I can consider getting rid of my things in there, or at least unpacking boxes.....and then deciding if I need it in my life any more. I need that room to be functional.
The funny thing is that I've been working up to this all week. So what have I done? Slept in....drag my feet about making coffee....thought maybe I'll start after this or that.......
The good thing is that I have a mini goal in mind. I'm finally buying a desk to put in there and the gal I'm buying it from is moving in a few weeks! So, I can put my computer in there instead of the kitchen table. And that leftover headboard may find a bed attached to it someday soon. And Jan said she'd like to have a yard sale in June so you see how it's all lining up for me to start now, today?
I just have to say, for probably the millionth time - I really miss my husband. Thursday night the new bed frame set up I have started to fall down. Like the box spring would fall between the bed rails. While I was on it. Talk about startling. So, I'd take the bed apart and think I had it lined up and then womp! it would fall again. It didn't come with cross boards. And I didn't realize I'd need them. One thing in a million trillion that Scott would have known and it would not have been a frustration. I try to remind myself I'm learning life lessons. I'm learning how to be an adult. After crying and cussing and really disappointing myself generally I try to remind myself it is okay. I'll figure it out. Slowly, painfully, rudely. But I do figure it out.
It's more than just making my life easy that I miss him. I miss talking to him. I miss my best friend. I miss his love. I miss his hands. His reassuring strong hands. Oh man and his musicality!! I didn't appreciate how nice it was to talk to someone who knew the name of bands I like and songs I've heard and could discuss it and give insight and, and, and....
I know I'm procrastinating right now. We all know I miss him and for a myriad of reasons that are all valid and good. Right. I'll just go and open the door. Wish me luck (or perseverance really).