I wrote this post last week and didn't publish it because I felt like my blog has been getting back to "normal" and I just don't know if anyone wants to be reading about my grief anymore. Needless to say that just because I don't write about it here or post on facebook or talk about it as much doesn't mean that I'm not still feeling it. I decided to post this because someone said something to me today that just hasn't been sitting right. I was talking to this person about why I haven't gone back to school and the eventuality of buying a house someday. And she said to me "But you're free now, you can go anywhere, do anything you want." Ouch. It pierced me straight through. And I know she meant well, and from her standpoint in her own life she would like to be free of her own tethers so to speak. Here's the thing though - I have always been free! I chose to stay with Scott, to tie myself to him but he was always very supportive of anything I ever wanted to do. I do NOT look at his death as "yeah baby I'm free! free at last". I cringe even writing that. It hurts my heart. Please, don't ever say that to someone who has lost a loved one - just, don't.
It's funny reading over the post I wrote last week in light of the conversation today. Anyhow, here's what I had written:
So I did something this week that I am still processing. I'm not going to say exactly what I did in case it doesn't come to fruition. But, what it was is something kind of huge. And it really underscored for me that I am alone. In the big things that happen in life, it's just me now. I don't like it. I know, I know - just because Scott died doesn't mean I did and yeah yeah he would want me to live and be happy. But until you've been in my shoes you really don't know how this feels. Going from "we" making decisions to just "me". I have had more than one of my friends express their, I don't know, envy (?) of me being able to make my own decisions. When I bought my sewing machine and was hemming and hawing and worried about spending that much money all at once a close friend said "I wish I was an adult and could make my own decisions to spend that much money on something I want". I was telling another friend about my weekend a few weeks back, how I didn't get out of my pajamas all weekend and knitted, watched podcasts, took a nap - and she said she wished she had my life.
To both I said - no, you really don't though. Sadly, both of them feel trapped in the marriages, lives that they have and long for a little freedom. But, when I had Scott I did not feel trapped. He gave me unending freedom - he told me ALL the time to buy what I wanted no matter the cost. It was me that held myself back. We wanted to have children and it didn't happen. My life gets really lonely. It's sad, really, that I look at what they have and think about how much I wanted that with him and will never have it. And they look at me and think they would like what I have. But, I have what I have out of devastation and death. No one wants that. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy if I ever had one.
By doing what I did this week it got me thinking about olden times when a woman alone could be destined to destitution. I'm definitely way more cautious about what I do financially but thank God being alone does not mean that I have no means to stay alive. I am so thankful I have my job, car, house, family and dogs. In many, many ways I am rich! That fact does not escape me.
I guess the point of my post is that we all have struggles. Every single one of us can look at someone else and think they have it made or they have it all together or our lives would be awesome if it was like someone else's. And as cliche as it is once we knew what their lives were really like we would probably just want our own lives back.
P.S. you know how people say not to make any big decisions in the first year? Yes to that. But also I'd like to add not to get rid of any possessions either. I got rid of some things that now that I'm out of the "fog" of the first year I'm wondering what happened to them and regretting if I got rid of them. Like there was a little llama that Scott gave me that was fluffy and had little adornments on it. Pretty sure I got rid of it because I can't find it anywhere. Ugggggggg.