Sunday, January 19, 2014

sunday thoughts

This past week has been really, really rough.  Lots of thought, fear, panic and pain.  But yesterday was probably the worst.  I've entered the phase of fear.  Fear that everyone I love is going to die soon.  I know inevitably that everyone I love will actually die so this feels like it's not irrational even though feeling like they are going to die any second is.  I am afraid somehow I will lose my job, my house, my car....anything I have will somehow be lost and I won't know what to do.  Scott's W2 came in the mail yesterday and while he only really worked 3 months last year since he died at the very beginning of April, his earnings weren't much.  But, now I have to think about taxes again, my old nemesis.  Reading the IRS website it looks like I can file married for 2013 since he died that year, then 2014 is when I go to single.  I'm not sure how it will shake out.  It's the not knowing anything that kills me, everything feels like unsteady ground.

Today, though, is a new day.  I slept in till 8:30!  Which I feel is an acceptable amount, not too late.  Sometimes when I sleep much longer than that I wake up peeved that the day has slipped away.  Today I am thinking about the love I have in this house.  The tangible love.  Scott gave me love in the form of fur :)  My boys, Rocky and Joey are such sweet, sweet souls.  Yesterday when I was a wreck I had realized I'd better get to the vet before they closed to get Joey's prescription dog food.  So, put the dogs in the car and drove over.  I also intended to drive to the cemetery but then realized I forgot my coat in my haste.  There's a park down the street a ways from the vet so I walked the boys instead.  It was the perfect thing to do.  It was still icy in spots and lots of snow on the sides so Joey was happy, he loves the snow!  Rocky was pulling at a brisk pace so I didn't have any time to worry about anything except staying upright on the icy bits.  It was perfect.

And today, George is very insistent on being right next to me and getting pets and love.  Oh George.
 Scott had a way with animals.  They LOVED him.  Me, not so much.  George was a stray from a house a few from mine that had batch after batch of kittens.  One day Scott said, do you want that cat?  I wasn't sure I was ready to have a cat.  But he knelt down and she walked right up to him and just like that she was my cat.  For the first year or so she didn't really like me, she tolerated me because I fed her.
Then Scott died.  And just like that she somehow knew that I needed her to be affectionate and purr at me.  Now, when I'm at my computer, she's right there, purring.  

Today, it's like my babies are checking on me.  They know yesterday was rough.  Rocky comes up, sticks his nose under my arm and peeks at me then runs off.  George sits and watches me.  They are a gift.  Scott always knew how to cheer me up and even though he's gone he's still doing it.

In the bigger picture I know it's also all from God.  God gave Scott his gift with animals which he then gave to me.  Last night I prayed that God would show me that He's here and He does love me.  Immediately I heard Joey snoring and George ran up to me and Rocky looked up from the couch.  I think God gave them to me to be that tangible love that I need to hold onto when I feel so alone and broken.

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