I feel vulnerable tonight in a way that I don't like.  I feel very alone and like his memory is so distant and I don't like it.  When so much has been ripped away from me I wish I at least had a strong memory of his presence.  I've had my stinky anti-anxiety tea to try and calm myself....it's not completely working.  I have that feeling like I've forgotten to do something and every time I try and concentrate on what it is that I've forgotten to do furtive memories come close enough to sense and when I reach out to them they dart away.  Frustration.  Disorientation.  Fear.  Loneliness.  Doubt.  Fatigue.  Second guessing.  All these these things and more are how I feel.  Why is he gone?  Why?  I don't know what I'm doing anymore.  I don't know who I am.  Other people have ideas of who I am and what I should do and think I'm strong and that's great - but when I don't feel it myself it doesn't feel true.