I feel vulnerable tonight in a way that I don't like. I feel very alone and like his memory is so distant and I don't like it. When so much has been ripped away from me I wish I at least had a strong memory of his presence. I've had my stinky anti-anxiety tea to try and calm myself....it's not completely working. I have that feeling like I've forgotten to do something and every time I try and concentrate on what it is that I've forgotten to do furtive memories come close enough to sense and when I reach out to them they dart away. Frustration. Disorientation. Fear. Loneliness. Doubt. Fatigue. Second guessing. All these these things and more are how I feel. Why is he gone? Why? I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I don't know who I am. Other people have ideas of who I am and what I should do and think I'm strong and that's great - but when I don't feel it myself it doesn't feel true.