Friday, January 31, 2014

still present tense

Everything, EVERYTHING reminds me of him!  I was just commenting on a blog about the new Sherlock and I was *this* close to writing that my husband loved Sherlock Holmes and that's how I started to like it also......I guess I could have written that but somehow feel I'm not ready to write about him in the past tense if that makes any sense?  At almost 10 months I know that it is now past tense but he is still in everything in my mind, my life that is still feels so present tense.  I feel like he is still so alive to me, I haven't accepted that he truly is gone.  I look for him everywhere.  I still want to tell him about everything that happens during a day or when something cool or dumb or anything happens.

Growing up I always love "oldies" music from the 50's and 60's.  I always loved the song "Unchained Melody" by the Righteous always pricked something in my heart, touched a longing there that I wasn't always aware of.  Then the movie Ghost came out in the 90's (?) I think and the song was made popular again.  Scott and I never had a song that was "our song", mostly because our likes changed so much, so we have more like a song for each period of time.  Like when we were dating there was a song that will always remind me of that time.  Well, when Scott was in Korea Leanne Rimes did a remake of Unchained Melody and that song was back on the radio a lot again.  Not sure why but I listened to that song last night and so many memories attached to it, and I have such a longing for him in my heart.  And I think maybe I still feel like he's going to come home, he's just been deployed or something like when he was in Korea.  I don't know, I know I don't make much sense.

Mostly I just miss him so much.  I wish he were still here and we could be watching the new Sherlock together and then discussing it, like we did with the first 2 seasons.  I'm really enjoying it and think it's so clever and Benedict Cumberbatch is so intriguing - in case you were wondering.  I think that's what I miss the most today - someone who cares to know what I think about a tv show. Or anything.  Not just care but be here and exchange conversation, expression, love, laughter.

As always. I know there is nothing you or anyone can say to make me feel better.  There will be no feeling better, I have my ups and downs and that is completely normal.  Right now I'm just down.  Tomorrow is a new day and hopefully the sun will be out.

No comments: