Joe Jo Bear

The sweetest dog in the world died yesterday, my Joey.  The house feels very empty without him.  I am so thankful I still have Rocky and George but the absence is palpable.  Rocky misses his brother and friend.  I miss my sweet Joe-bear, my constant by-my-side companion.

Joey, you are so very loved.  So very missed.  I know you are having a big dog party with June, Sam and Cricket, and of course your Daddy,  Scott.

marching on

I've been hesitating to write about my emotions lately, I think.  I have barely been writing in my personal journal.  And I've written posts here and not published them.  Part of it is that I don't really know who my audience is...and the other part is that I do know who is reading and I don't want to offend anyone.  Or, not offend but bore or cause worry.  But, it's got to come out somewhere, right?

I've shared that in the past few weeks I've had some big things happen, car accident, Joey's lymphoma diagnosis.  In a little over a month it will be the 2 year Angelversary of the day my husband, Scott, died.  I've been trying to minimize or ignore my feelings.  But, my body knows it's coming.  My anxiety level has been slowly building.  In the afternoons mostly I feel like my heart just races, my stomach is queasy and I feel like I'd like to hide in a dark room.  Every day feels like sensory overload.  I get home and feel the day slowly fade and I can relax with my pups.

I still have a stab of fear thinking about April 4th.  That day.  My brain screams out against it, not wanting to face it.  My mind flits around to all the things that hurt and touches them like feeling if a bruise hurts or not.
The song that was played at his funeral - why did the band pick that song?  Was it just because they had played it a lot or because it meant something?  I remember sitting in that front pew hearing them play it and I could hear Scott drumming even though they just left his drum set empty.  I picture his expressions and the way he'd hold the drumsticks.  But he wasn't there and how in the world is that possible!!!!  I heard the words of the song as if it was written to me and still do.

I have a million questions and no one to ask.  Some I don't really want the answers.  Some I just want to talk to someone who knew him but no one talks to me.  I want to hear all the stories, I want to say and hear his name and not feel someone shy away from me.  

So I have had this storm of emotions brewing and stewing.  I have felt so much like I don't fit in anywhere.  I have heard this - this build up - called the Death March.  It's where you have a date of someone you love who died looming and your body feels it and your mind replays all the moments leading up to that huge event.  I know from last year that the actual day might not be bad.  But the build up is bad.  Not everyone understands.  Right now I will only tolerate anyone who does understand and that's also hard.  I mentioned how I feel and the death march to a friend and she said, "so you're feeling your own mortality like you think you're going to die then?".  No.  Not everyone is the same but when you've had a loss of this magnitude your body feels it.  Your mind counts everything back to that day, aligns dates by it.

Anyway, I went to the cemetery yesterday.  I let out all that built up emotion.  I talked to him about everything, all my feeling about everything I've mentioned here and more.  I cried, yes.  It felt good, so relieving to let it out.  And yes I know he's not there but I talk to him as if he is.  There was never any judgement from him in life and it is the same in death and that is what I need.  No opinions.  Dang it though I do wish I could still get his advice!  Today my heart feels calm.  Hopefully I can hold onto this calm feeling through the week.

I have to say I'm really digging these socks!  Two at a time on one needle is fiddly, yes, but I feel like I'm making faster progress than I would doing just one sock.  Or, maybe I'm just really liking knitting right now?

Today was a bright sunny day, I got all my laundry done - win!  So I ventured out to the craft house and did some sewing.  I finished listening to Rainbow Six by Tom Clancy on audiobook.  It was an abridged version but still an enjoyable listen (read?).  

I made a little bit of progress on my Rainy Day quilt.  I rearranged the squares a bit, trying to break up some of the colors.  I added in the new fabrics I bought over at the coast and in Chico for my birthday.  I'm liking the way it's turning out.

I finally finished listening to the last book called Inheritance in the Inheritance Cycle books, by Christopher Paolini.  I had read Eragon when it first came out and then listened to the audiobooks of the last two.  I have to say I hated, hated the ending.  Hated.  I mean, I get it, not every book has to have a happy ending.  But dang dude!  It was a stark disappointment.  And in the way that I didn't see any possibility of something better eventually happening.  The circumstances sucked and after everything he put into these characters it seems like a waste.  I did enjoy the boy up to the end, and I kept hoping maybe there'd be a last second change, or an epilogue where he'd change his mind or something. Nope.  

In other news, I don't want to jinx anything but I think I found a food that Joey can keep down!  So, my boy 

has been sick.  We're pretty sure he has lymphoma.  I took him to the vet and they did an aspiration of his very swollen lymph nodes and it showed lymphocytes.  Friday they did a biopsy, which a whole lymph node was removed and we'll know in a week or so what we're dealing with.  In the middle of all this he hasn't wanted to eat.  And when I can trick him into eating he just gets sick.  But!  I searched every bag of food at Grange and Petco and found a food that he's not allergic to!  And he likes it!  And so far so good on keeping it down!  He had a serious case of the toots last night but I don't even care.

love day

 Yesterday I was dreading today.  I've never really liked Valentine's day....Scott and I always felt it was commercial and stupid.  But, you know, others really love the stupid day.  Or feel like they have to live up to some "romantic" expectation.  So, with that there were ladies getting flowers at work yesterday and the day before.  Which, to me just meant that it was for show.  But anyway, not my point.  I was dreading today because my love is gone from this world.

But, I woke up and had an urge to clean.  Which, you know when you feel that you just gotta do it because who knows when that urge will come back, right?  So I felt like I was giving myself a gift because I feel so much less anxious/stress when there isn't clutter.  And then the sun came up and is shining and almost Spring temps.  And my boys are so sweet.  Yes, Joey still has lymphoma and who knows how much longer I'll have - but he's here and I love him and he's sweet as can be.

And I came over to the computer and read this post on Widow's Voice and I was like yeah!  If you don't click over just let me tell you the gist - that even though our husbands are not here their love remains.  The cards they wrote are still true.  That love is still there.  Here's a quote from Rebecca that I feel not only applies today but every day (for me): "The gifts that he brought to my life are still here and will be with me forever.  The person I am today is because he loved me."


I am who I am because of me, yes, but also a collaboration of the love that Scott, my family, my friends, God, my dogs, cat.  So, doesn't that make it so much better?  If I look at this day in that way then I am surrounded by love, even if those people I love are not physically here with me.  And, I do have some really sweet puppies (and George) who are here!  As for flowers, the daffodils are almost blooming....and the tulips are growing!  So God and nature have delivered.  


So there's that.  In other news, I finally finished a book!!!!!!! oh yeah.  Took me 10 months to read the Hobbit and I loved it.  I had not read any Tolkien previously so his writing style was a nice surprise.  He is very descriptive but not overly wordy which I appreciate.  I love the story and his Hobbity dialogue.  I also started a new book, The Scorch Trials which is the 2nd book in the Maze Runner series.  I didn't read the first book but just watched the movie so thought I'd just go on to the second one.  So far it's been a quick read, the chapters are short so I really feel like I'm getting further than maybe I am.  I am encouraged with this though, maybe my reading attention span is back?  Surely hope so.

stitching some more

Well this week started off with a bang!  Well, more of a crunch.  I was in a car accident Monday night and was pretty shaken up by it.  I was very lucky though, just driving through a 4 way stop intersection and the guy who hit me wasn't going very fast.  I did hit my head on the window so went to ER to have it checked along with my neck.  I now have radiologic proof that there is a brain!!  

So, I have been taking it easy.  I am now best friends with a heating pad.  I still have a bit of a brain fog but am way less sore than I was.  God has taken care of me.  My car still drives.  It is munched in the front but all in all I'm not going to worry about this.

I've been stitching and hanging out on the couch a lot with the heating pad and my pooches.  Here's how far I've gotten on the Stitchalong.  Not far.  This is January's frame and February has already come out.  I'm not worried about it though, just stitching as I can.  I have to say I bought that little needle minder from Etsy after seeing it on someone else's work and I love it!  It's magnetic and I've also been using it to keep the pattern right next to the work.  

Anyway!  What I was going to tell you about the needle minder is that it was a great online shopping experience!  I buy a lot of things online so I can safely say this was special.  I received the package really quickly for one, two it was enclosed in a super cute thank you card that was taped with pretty washi tape and a handwritten thank you from the shop owner!!!!!  Such thoughtful things.  Here's the link: Knitting Geisha on Etsy.  And no, I'm not being paid to say that or getting anything free, just thought I'd share a great thing.

I've been stewing on trying two at a time socks.  On one needle.  I've watched a couple youtube tutes.  I stalled a bit telling myself I needed to have a ball winder to make two balls.  Then watched a youtube tute on how to wind your own center pull ball.  Hopefully this time won't be disastrous like the last time I wound my own!  Eeeek.  BUT!  I thought, quit stalling!

So, there you go.  Two toe beanies on one needle!  They are actually from the same skein and if I cared I'd have made sure the colors started at the same spot but - eh.  I'm just stoked that I'm doing it, you know?  It's definitely different than my double points.  I really love my double points but I am determined to at least do one pair this way.

By the by, this is the yarn that my Mom found at a thrift store!  What are the chances?  It's a beautiful Opal yarn that's called Fairies and Elves.  It's perfect.  Thanks Mom!

top done

 I finished up my Modern Maples quilt top today.  It's been overcast all day and of course as soon as I got the quilt up on the fence it started to rain!  Bah!

Anyway, I added two borders which brings it to about 80x80 inches.  The thin plum border was 2.5 inches and once I got it on and put it up on the wall again I thought it was too wide.  So I cut it down to 1" and then added the cream which is 5.5".  I'm still not entirely loving the border.  I had put a picture a couple months ago on facebook and people said definitely do a border and do a dark border.  I reallllllly couldn't imagine doing a big dark border so this will have to do.