I feel vulnerable tonight in a way that I don't like.  I feel very alone and like his memory is so distant and I don't like it.  When so much has been ripped away from me I wish I at least had a strong memory of his presence.  I've had my stinky anti-anxiety tea to try and calm myself....it's not completely working.  I have that feeling like I've forgotten to do something and every time I try and concentrate on what it is that I've forgotten to do furtive memories come close enough to sense and when I reach out to them they dart away.  Frustration.  Disorientation.  Fear.  Loneliness.  Doubt.  Fatigue.  Second guessing.  All these these things and more are how I feel.  Why is he gone?  Why?  I don't know what I'm doing anymore.  I don't know who I am.  Other people have ideas of who I am and what I should do and think I'm strong and that's great - but when I don't feel it myself it doesn't feel true.

withdrawal

So it's a new year, I'm sure you've noticed too.  All around me there are resolutions being made. People are making goals. Making resolutions. Making plans. Making dreams. Making....

And I....am not.  Not really.  I have always tended to fail at the resolutions I've made.  I've had too much disappointment leftover from last year to make any plans, goals, resolutions or dreams that might possibly fail.  This is the first year that I have lived and my husband has not and to me that is scary and overwhelming and so my first response is to shut down a bit.  I feel disoriented without him, like I don't know what I'm doing anymore.  Besides my Mom he was my biggest fan, always cheering me on.  When I'd fail he was always there to tell me I could do it again, or give me some of his strength and courage to try something new.  So, now what?

I don't have new dreams yet.  And in a way I don't want them. Not now. Not yet. It's too soon.  Someday, like Spring, I know they will come.

I will do what I know I can do.  I will sew and quilt.  I will knit and possibly crochet.  I will love my dogs, my family and my friends. I am enormously thankful for what I have and I am going to just rest in that.  I'm glad it's Winter so I don't have to feel guilty about withdrawing inside for this season.

makin shirts

First off, can I please just tell you that blogging from my couch is just wonderful.  Perfect.

  Now, I don't remember if I've talked about this pattern here before or not, I think I have.  But, my memory right now is a little shoddy, so humor me because I'm going to discuss it again *grin*!  I like to read other blogs, especially about sewing, knitting and quilting.  There has been in the last year or so this one pattern that started popping up like everywhere, the Tova top.  I really like it but I am a little "bustier" than the pattern allows and it's a little spendy for me.  I think when I first looked at it there wasn't a PDF.   So, I looked at Joann's for an alternative and found a couple that were sort of close, but you know how once you see something you really like then that's the only thing that will do?  uh huh.  Then came this top here:

Again, reading a blog there was a mention of making an Esme top in flannel.  I hadn't heard that name yet so I clicked the link and knew I wanted to make this top!  But, again, for me a little spendy.  $15 for a PDF is out of my range, especially since I don't have a printer at home - ha!  I was at Joann's one day looking at their quilt pattern section which also has bags and aprons and that sort of thing.  I recognized the brand, Sew Liberated, and looked for the Esme top.  No luck.  But I did find if over in Medford and also had a 50% coupon! Yes!  

I made the first one in a bright floral flannel that I had in my stash.  I did make the sleeves as shown above.  But, I hate that cuff!  I don't have thin arms so it's a little binding right in the crease.  So, on the next one I made I took a sleeve from another shirt pattern I have and it was a little closer to what I wanted but kinda also a little weird.  It's blousy and then gathers into a cuff mid forearm.  Uggggggg.  But I still wear the heck out of both of them because otherwise they are super comfy.

Enter shirt attempt #3.  My Mom gave me this fabric that I adore!  It's actually a sheet, not vintage, but really pretty and soft!  Originally I was thinking quilt back but changed my mind.  I again altered the sleeve with one from another pattern, this one fits perfectly!  I made it wide and then tapered it down after trying it on and cut off the excess.

Picking buttons is so fun!  I have this great tin my Mom gave me that she had since I was little and I would spend hours sifting through all the buttons in there.  I really wanted the orange buttons in the picture below but I only have 3 of them so they didn't work.

 Here is the finished top, with the flower buttons.  I really like how it turned out.  I will be a walking flower garden :)  If you ever make this pattern, be aware of the seam allowance!  I am so used to 1/4 inch with quilting and this calls for 5/8" which is quite generous!  But, if you don't use that much it doesn't quite come together the same.

It's a beautiful Sunday here, super cold but also sunny.  

Christmas Florida style

**lots of photos**

Well, I'm back from vacation!  My family and I went to Florida for Christmas this year and it was absolutely perfect.  As you've seen from my pictures I left a lot of snow and chill and arrived in 80 degree beach weather!  In the area we went it was actually unseasonably warm but I was soaking it all up like a lizard on a rock.

My brother met my Mom and I and we all stayed at my Grandma's house.  This is the first day at the beach.  The time stamp will be off on all my pictures due to the time zone difference.  This is Coquina beach, it was just gorgeous.  The sand was like sugar, white and powdery.  

Joab and I stayed until the sun went down, it was so beautiful.

It was great watching the ball of light drop down, down, down and then disappear below the horizon.  It reminded me of watching the ball drop on New Year's Eve.  Counting down, then celebrating the reward of beauty, peace and color.

From the time we started planning the trip I said I wanted to go to Harry Potter World in Universal Studios in Orlando, FL.  Joab said he'd go with me and I'm glad he did, we had SO much fun together.  I don't know what I was expecting, but it hadn't occurred to me that there would be roller coasters!  The dragon ride in the Harry Potter area was a blast, we rode it 4 times!  

We also rode a bunch of other rides, the Hulk ride was amazing!  I'm actually afraid of heights and get vertigo easily so I had to take a break after a couple rides in a row.  After the Hulk ride, we got off and looked at each other, "want to go again?" YEP! Then we'd race back around the line and go right back on!  By closing I wanted to cut my feet off they hurt so badly but it was worth it!

One of the big treats for all of us was going to see my Uncle George at the theater!  He was the general in a musical called A White Christmas, based on the movie.  It was so, so special!  He did such a good job and everyone had a great time.  I have a small family that is far-flung, so it was really meaningful that we could spend this holiday together.

On Monday we went to the John and Mable Ringling Museum of Art.  Their house is also available for viewing and we sat out on the terrace that overlooks the bay.  My Uncle George and his wife, Betty, were with us and we had lots of time to stroll and chat and enjoy the day together.

On Tuesday, Christmas Eve, Joab and I took our last trip to the beach for a couple hours.  The temps had dropped a bit (70 degrees is rough! LOL) so people were scarce on the beach.  We were beach bums, just laid right in the sand on towels and just soaked it all in.  

Christmas Eve night was very special.  My Grandma's church had a candlelight service and we didn't know until the day before that Grandma was going to be singing in it!  Oh, what a treasure that memory is.  Watching her sing Happy Birthday to the King is indescribable.  Tears just streamed down my face.  And then, at the end the whole congregation was in a big circle in the dark, taking turns lighting each other's candles.  Something about each of us lighting the other's candle just hit my heart and I was crying again!  Oh well, I think it's pretty expected for me to be emotional :) 

Christmas!  

George and Betty had us all over for Christmas dinner, it was wonderful!  This is their Dickens Studio 56 Christmas village lit up at night.  Doesn't it look almost real?  My imagination sometimes works overtime.  Betty cooked "standing rib" which turned out to be prime rib.  When they said standing rib I was picturing ribs all in a circle with the meat on the bottom.  It was perfect, delicious.  And, true to our family form there was lots of pie to (over)indulge in!  Best.

I think all in all it was the best trip possible.  With everything that has happened this year, Scott being gone, I really needed to be around my family.  I'm so glad that they were game.  And now, here I am at home, alone with my pooches.  My mind is swirling with memories, my heart is full and yet also broken, bittersweet.  We just never know what the future will hold and so I am thankful for my memories, new and old.

life is not fair

***I'm sorry, I really have been trying to keep more upbeat on the ol blog but really had to get this out***

Tomorrow is Scott's birthday.  He would be - SHOULD BE turning 38.  He should be celebrating and enjoying life.  But he's not and it's not fair.  I know, I know that no one ever said life was going to be fair but dammit this is too much.  I wanted to write a nice post about all the wonderful things about him that everyone should know, about how much I miss his face, every single thing about him but I can't do it because I am too overwhelmed by the cruelty that he is not here when he should be.  I know I'm not the only widow in the world but sometimes it really feels like it.  There is an ache in my heart that feels like it will never heal.  When I should be thinking of nice, comforting memories full of love I have flashbacks from his funeral of the man who gave me the folded flag and thanked me.  The whole year Scott was in Korea I worried so much about him, but truly never thought he'd die.  He was 23 and invincible and I guess I always thought he would be.  I loved watching him get older.  I loved the wrinkles by his ears where the face meets the ear.  I loved teasing him that he might need bifocals soon because he had trouble adjusting vision when he'd look up from something near to far.  I loved watching his body change from a young guy into a man.  He was always big and strong but in the last few years had really filled out and others could see what I always had.  He was larger than life, the most funny person I ever met, so witty and clever, the most talented, the best at everything.  He knew how to do just about everything.  Fix a roof - yep.  Play guitar - yep.  Run 10 miles like it was nothing? you got it.  He could draw, paint, play any instrument and yet also was a sharpshooter and awesome fisherman.  Any, and I mean any, friend of his will tell you the same thing - he would help anyone at the drop of a hat and at any time of day or night.  He made you feel like you were something special.  When we'd be at the grocery store he'd talk to the cashier, really talk to them and ask them how their day was and it was sincere.  Or a waitress/waiter - same thing.  These are the things that are public knowledge, things everyone knows about Scott.  The deeper, more personal things are what are so crushing that they're gone.  I knew the Scott that he didn't show to the world, the things that were just between us.  How he felt about people and things that he didn't tell everyone else.  When the laughter stopped, when the show was over, the real Scott, I knew a side of him he didn't share with others.  He knew everything about me and still loved me. Yes, no relationship is perfect and ours certainly wasn't - but he was my best friend.  He was my confidante.  My hopes and dreams for the future that I had prayed and believed for are gone, just gone, in literally a heartbeat.  When his heart stopped mine was shattered.  I'd give anything for him to be alive somewhere and happy and celebrating his birthday tomorrow.

more pouches

Yesterday was warm - in the upper 30's I think and so a bunch of snow melted off.  Then, temps dropped and the melt froze, and then fog rolled in.  So, this is what it looks like when fog freezes.  It's quite lovely, really.

I have been busy making pouches!  Besides these that are pictured I made 3 for Charese and 1 for Jan but didn't get picts before giving them away.  These join the first two that I made and will be filled with knitting projects :)  

These I've made with all fabrics that are really fun and that I love.  I should have gotten pictures of the linings too because each one is fully lined with another fun print!    The smaller one in the middle has houses on it and I like to pretend what it would be like to live on the top of one of those rolling turquoise hills.  I feel like I might have sheep and tulips :)

For this bag I used two fat quarters from the same line but the prints are just a little bit different.  I got this fabric while Mom and I were in Ft Bragg September 2012.  In the picture above you can see that this side is a little bit different, the other side is like close-ups of each character.  

I experimented a bit with the bottom gussets.  Um, I'll have to take a picture of what I mean b/c trying to explain it otherwise doesn't make sense.  But, from the picts you can kind of tell that some have "fatter" bottoms.  And, I've decided I like to use a zipper bigger than I really need and then cut it down.  That's what I do for garment sewing so I should have known that would be what I'd prefer with these but - eh.

Have I bored you enough with sewing talk?  Tee hee, sorry about that.  I guess there's not much else going on around here!  I am going to see Frozen this afternoon, so that will be fun.  I've heard it's really good.

warm weather, please

I have a fun trip planned that is coming up soon (I'm super excited!).  I'm not going to say when for security purposes in case there's any creepers reading.  So anyways, I'm thinking of knitting projects to take and it's a fun prospect thinking of the time I will have to leisurely knit away.  I've been making more pouches! I want to have one for each project to keep them tangle free and mobile.

I'll share picts when they are all done, they are turning out super, super cute!  Mostly because I'm using fun fabrics that I have tucked away for a rainy (snowy more like!) day.  I need to get more interfacing and am wondering if they make a 10 inch zipper?  12 inches was too long and 9 inches is just all wrong.  I didn't realize that until after I made one for Jan's birthday gift bag to put the scarf in.  Anyhow.