Saturday, December 14, 2013

life is not fair

***I'm sorry, I really have been trying to keep more upbeat on the ol blog but really had to get this out***

Tomorrow is Scott's birthday.  He would be - SHOULD BE turning 38.  He should be celebrating and enjoying life.  But he's not and it's not fair.  I know, I know that no one ever said life was going to be fair but dammit this is too much.  I wanted to write a nice post about all the wonderful things about him that everyone should know, about how much I miss his face, every single thing about him but I can't do it because I am too overwhelmed by the cruelty that he is not here when he should be.  I know I'm not the only widow in the world but sometimes it really feels like it.  There is an ache in my heart that feels like it will never heal.  When I should be thinking of nice, comforting memories full of love I have flashbacks from his funeral of the man who gave me the folded flag and thanked me.  The whole year Scott was in Korea I worried so much about him, but truly never thought he'd die.  He was 23 and invincible and I guess I always thought he would be.  I loved watching him get older.  I loved the wrinkles by his ears where the face meets the ear.  I loved teasing him that he might need bifocals soon because he had trouble adjusting vision when he'd look up from something near to far.  I loved watching his body change from a young guy into a man.  He was always big and strong but in the last few years had really filled out and others could see what I always had.  He was larger than life, the most funny person I ever met, so witty and clever, the most talented, the best at everything.  He knew how to do just about everything.  Fix a roof - yep.  Play guitar - yep.  Run 10 miles like it was nothing? you got it.  He could draw, paint, play any instrument and yet also was a sharpshooter and awesome fisherman.  Any, and I mean any, friend of his will tell you the same thing - he would help anyone at the drop of a hat and at any time of day or night.  He made you feel like you were something special.  When we'd be at the grocery store he'd talk to the cashier, really talk to them and ask them how their day was and it was sincere.  Or a waitress/waiter - same thing.  These are the things that are public knowledge, things everyone knows about Scott.  The deeper, more personal things are what are so crushing that they're gone.  I knew the Scott that he didn't show to the world, the things that were just between us.  How he felt about people and things that he didn't tell everyone else.  When the laughter stopped, when the show was over, the real Scott, I knew a side of him he didn't share with others.  He knew everything about me and still loved me. Yes, no relationship is perfect and ours certainly wasn't - but he was my best friend.  He was my confidante.  My hopes and dreams for the future that I had prayed and believed for are gone, just gone, in literally a heartbeat.  When his heart stopped mine was shattered.  I'd give anything for him to be alive somewhere and happy and celebrating his birthday tomorrow.

No comments: