Saturday, July 19, 2014

camp crash

So there's this phenomenon called "Camp Crash" that happens after returning from Camp Widow.  I had read about it before I went to camp so knew that it could happen.  I even signed up for a class Saturday to send myself an inspirational hand painted post card to remind myself of the goodness and hope from camp.  I haven't gotten my post card yet but frankly I don't think it would matter if I did.  I am in full on camp crash nose dive.  It started immediately after the last presentation on Saturday which was a hilarious comedy routine.  It was lively and so, so funny and SO hit the mark of ridiculous things that widows deal with.  Tons of laughter and whooping it up! and then I walked out into the silent lobby.  I felt like I had gone from such almost manic energy to a vacuum.  I actually thought "what now?"

Tuesday was my travel day and I left my inlaws house early that morning to go to work with my MIL and waited a bit for my flight, her office is like 5 minutes from the airport so it would be easier that way.  I found my way to a little park that overlooks the ocean, which was gray and moody that day since it was overcast.  I sat down and just cried.  Knowing I was leaving connections to Scott, people who knew him and I could talk to and they to me.  Leaving the support of fellow widows, and family.  Also, missing my husband so keenly.  And wanting to get home to my boys and George.  And Klamath, no traffic, the familiarity of my own home.  Such a bittersweet mix was just too much for me and I could do nothing but weep.  I had another tiny meltdown on the plane from Portland to Medford.  Just sitting there crying.  My poor neighboring traveler.

On the drive home, which goes right by the cemetery, I was on autopilot and stopped to talk it out with Scott.  Yes, really, just myself.  But sitting by his memorial and just pouring out my heart and crying and working out what I had learned, observed, felt was exactly what I needed to do.  When Scott was alive, he was the one I'd tell everything to.  Nothing was really real until I talked to him.  I had preliminary opinions but bouncing things off of him my opinions would become concrete as he'd validate my thoughts and feelings.

Getting home was hard.  The boys were still at the vet boarding so the house was starkly quiet.  Familiar and comforting but also very lonely.  Wednesday morning I picked up the boys who were ecstatic to see me - oh these furry loves of mine!  I'm so thankful I took Wednesday off of work, it was perfect to just spend the day with my fur babies and nap and lounge and relax back into our routine.

Since then I feel very flat.  Very lonely.  Yes, I know I could call people.  Yes, I know I could go out and be a part of something, anything - but what?  I will say that I started knitting a new pair of socks while I was waiting to go to the airport.  Thank God for knitting!  Something to occupy my hands and keep my busy.  I will share more of the fun and more pictures later.  Otherwise this would be the longest post in the world!

This was my view from the little park.  Washed out moody grey.  But still beautiful and warm.  The new socks are going to be neon striped!  I love them so far.  I've gotten quite a bit more knitted since then, but here's the beginning nubbin of the toe.  I had my ipod, diet pepsi and the ocean as my view.  V.peaceful.

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