Sunday, March 2, 2014

coffee drip

This guy today.  I look over and he's such a big chunk of brown dog!  I love him so much :)
So!  Today I am drinking the most perfect cuppa joe and trying to plan my day.  I've done one load of laundry and after one more then I need to make more laundry soap.  I also need (!) to go grocery shopping.  Which I'm dreading because I am the worst at just grabbing random whatever and then getting home and realizing I have nothing I originally wanted.  uggggg so I overspend.  BUT! I am putting myself on a real, grown up budget starting this month.  To be honest I've already blown it but am going to at least try to stick to a list at the store.  I guess what I'm saying is I will also be making a shopping list today :)  I made some good progress on the new quilt yesterday, at least 8-10 new squares so I will be working more on that, especially since its another gloomy overcast day.  And the big decision is do I go to church?  Right now I think yes.  My friend Sherry's church starts at 11:15 or 30 so it's kind of the perfect time for me.

A little blip about emotions.  We're at 11 months already, time is marching steadily on to a year April 4th.  I am dreading it.  Super dread, y'all.  I feel like it just happened yesterday.  I don't remember and I do and it's when I do that I panic.  Yesterday I went to the cemetery, as I do.  I know I sound crazy - but just don't you even worry about it.  But I was talking to him about how I need to wean myself off of trying to go there every week.  It's an hour and 15 minute drive to get there for one.  Gas for two.  Flowers three.  and on and on of reasons.  He would tell me I need to save "dough", that was his term.  But, in just talking it out I came to the conclusion that I'm still just looking for him anywhere I can.  I've realized he's not anywhere I'll see him - I no longer cry when I see a tall man in the store, I no longer cry when I see a truck similar to his, I've been to the old house, he's not there.  So, besides the coast and the cemetery where I know there are at least a part of his ashes, I know he's no where.  And I can't handle that.  I don't know how to reconcile his absence.  For 17 years we discussed everything and nothing.  How do I go from having that someone, my best friend, my love - to nothing?  

So I guess that's where I'm at.  Feeling melancholy and but also content about some things.  I am panicking more as the year mark approaches.  I miss him so much and my heart just hurts.  I look for hearts everywhere.  This was my coffee drip on Friday.  Heart shaped coffee drip.   Scott loved coffee and me, how appropriate.

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