I have another post brewing, but it is going to take a bit and possibly be v. long so in the meantime I will ramble on. I'm a muller. I think about things for a long time, chew on it and the thoughts roll around in my head for awhile. In January I had come aross a blog that was devastating to read. It's a guy, Matt Logelin, whose wife died 24 hours after giving birth to their premature baby. Suddenly widowed and a single dad to a premature baby. I still cannot fathom what that would be like. I read his blog a bit and then on January 18th I bought the book, Two Kisses for Maddy from Amazon. I always read the end of the book first, and since I had been reading his blog I knew how the story would go pretty much anyways. For some reason, I couldn't finish this book.
Last summer I had a moment when I thought, "what would happen if Scott died?" In my head I went through the process of - okay well I'd have to take care of the dogs, go through all the stuff, and then was like "snap out of it!!!" and made myself stop thinking of that. I didn't want to even entertain the possibility. Because that would never happen anyway and I didn't want to even put it out there.
And now. Now I'm thinking - was God trying to prepare me? Reading that blog is heartwrenching at best. From reading it I've come across links to other widows. In a way it's good for me to find them so early in this process to know that I'm not alone and that other people understand this pain. Not that I thought I was the only person to lose a spouse, but it's a different pain. When my Grandpa died I felt pain, and regrets and sorrow - but not like this. He had been 85 and sick for awhile. Scott was 37 and it was a shock.
Tonight I stopped at the post office on the way home to get stamps so I could get my mother's day cards out. The guy in front of me sort of looked familiar, but I've worked in lots of doctor's offices so a lot of people look familiar to me. As he was walking by he stopped and said I looked familiar too - was I married to Scott? And then it's the panic of does he know already, am I going to have to say it? Or what if I just act like nothing if he doesn't bring it up do I have to? So here I am stuttering over myself and I ask if he had heard what happened and he had. Then the questions start. Were we still together? What happened? How are you? Do you need anything? I didn't say v. much and he left. It was my turn at the counter. And I fell apart. Complete meltdown at the counter. I couldn't get air, gasping, crying and my throat was closed off so couldn't get words out either. The lady was v. nice and gave me a kleenex. I got one word out - stamps. Because for craps sake I had to get those cards out!. Lame. I eventually regained some semblance of composure and walked myself out to my car where I could have a whole body heaving sob.
I know that these things are going to happen. I know it will not always be like this. All I can say is boo to grief. Boo to death.