Wednesday, May 1, 2013

precious cargo

Last week in the mail I rec'd the information from the cemetery about where Scott's plot is located and since then I really wanted to see it.  Last night after work I loaded up the boys and drove over to Eagle Point National Cemetery.
It really is a beautiful cemetery.  Not that I ever thought I'd say that about one, but it is. 100_3337[1] And, since I am still myself I also wanted to check to make sure they had spelled precious correctly on the stone.  Why did I put "precious cargo"?  I knew Scott for 17 years and during that whole time every time one of us would go on a trip without the other we would say "Keep the rubber side down, keep it between the ditches, you're carrying precious cargo."  Every. single. time.  I knelt down to brush off some cut grass before taking this picture and found that the stone had been warmed by the sun and still felt warm to the touch.  What a difference from the cold of his forehead in the funeral home.  It made me glad that he is in a spot that will be kept warm by the sun.  I know it's just ashes that are buried there but I felt closer to him and it was nice.  I miss him so much, my heart feels like it is turning in on itself, like my chest is caving in.  My eyes feel raw and grainy like I've taken them out and rolled them in salt.  I guess without taking them out, I have.  I feel nauseous all the time.  I can't understand where he's gone.  Why is he gone?   And then my mind will touch on his death, that he's not coming back and I panic.  I can't breathe.  Mercifully that doesn't last long....until a few minutes later I'm wondering again where is he, where has he gone?
Every time we got off the phone or would leave each other we'd say "I love you".  I haven't heard that in 27 days.  I know friends and family and others love me.  What I'm talking about is different.  I don't know how to explain what my thought is here.  I am so, SO glad I saved voicemails.
After some tears and talking to him about what not I drove the rest of the way to Medford and picked up some cheeseburgers for the boys.  The sun had finally sunk down behind the hills and turned them purple and the sky was a golden with a tinge of pink - my favorite kind.  I think God gave that to me special to let me know that He loves me too.

This is Scott's view now:


Anonymous said...

Indeed he does, always. Im so sorry, I cant imagine how much you miss him, nor how much your life has now been forever altered. I know its not the same, but I love you and as long as I have a say, I'm here for you. ~ J

Anonymous said...

Oh my heart aches for you and your loss. There will be better days and when there are worse know that you have friends who are ready to take your hand and walk beside you as you muddle through this....E