Wednesday, May 15, 2013

numbness and memories and stuff

Most of the time I feel so numb.  It must be some kind of self preservation.  I've heard over and over that everyone grieves in different ways.  I've read multiple blogs where people can't even get out of bed, can't stop crying, are in such dark spots that they don't even want to live themselves.  That's not me.  I'm just numb.  I can't believe he's gone.  I will probably say that 10 million times and you'll get sick of hearing it.  But I can't.  I know I am feeling stress because I have anxiety and my heart races out of my chest.  I also now have shingles.  Thanks, stress.

Tonight I was thinking about memories.  Sometimes I think I have the worst memory ever, and other times I can remember exactly a conversation and what was said.  I wish I could have kept better track of the millions of memories I have of Scott.  A friend recently asked me how I knew that I was special to Scott when he had been engaged before me.  When I met Scott I knew, absolutely KNEW that we would be together and be married.  And he felt the same way.  We had been set up on a blind date for our first date and I was just a goner.  Two days later I got a call from him asking me if I wanted to go out with him again and I said yes.  He drove up in his huge green ford truck, it was so loud! and his music was so loud and my heart was racing, butterflies.  He said he thought he'd take me up to Cohasset to see the first snow.  His great grandma and his grandparents lived up there, it's about 15 minutes out of Chico in the foothills.  So we drove the windy road up there and sure enough the first snow.  He introduced me to his great grandma who was at the beginning stages of Alzheimer's.  She made us hot chocolate and it was so cozy.  After that she always did remember me and I will cherish that memory, the warmth and the love.  Scott was a little bit of a badass when I met him, and then on this second date I got to know the real him.  The one who loved his family more than anything and sitting by the fire with them and playing guitar for them and included me in that, and we always loved a great cup of hot cocoa. 

I'll also always remember the first time I met his dad and that side of the family.  We drove up to Klamath in that huge green truck late at night and going from the heat of Chico and slowly it became freezing cold.  I knew I was in a different world.  The air felt crisper, more pure somehow.  I slept in the living room on a hide a bed and in the morning I was just barely awake and I could hear two little girl voices whispering to each other -"is that her?"  Those two curious girls were his sisters and they were and are the sweetest loving girls.  Scott loved this family just as fiercely and I learned to also.  His youngest brother was 4 when I met him and he was running around with the vacuum hose saying it was his bear gun.  That little blond boy is now 21 and 6 foot 10!  On the drive home from meeting this family Scott and I got engaged.

I have always been an awkward person.  I don't always know what to say or do in social situations.  But with Scott I always belonged.  I was always accepted and included.  He always put everyone at ease, he was funny and the life of any party.  With each side of his family he had 3 siblings, so 6 total.  I had not ever been around any sort of big family gathering so it was very intimidating to me at first, and then I so looked forward to holidays when we could be together with either side.  I was looking at photo albums last night and  realizing that when I look at the pictures I can remember what was happening at the time and how I felt and I need to write it all down.  More details.  I wrote general things like where we were and the dates, etc but I need to add more.  Like on our wedding day I was an hour late because I had to get my dress steamed and I wanted to have my makeup done and I had borrowed a friend's car that I had never driven and it snowed that day (in Tennessee!) and so I took some long way there and he was so nervous, standing outside smoking!  We just went to the justice of the peace but we were just as nervous and excited as if we had a huge wedding.  Now I wish we had waited and had a wedding with all our family there.  But, my best friend/sister Jeannette had given me a silver plate that was engraved with our names together with 1997 on it so we HAD so get married in 1997.  So, we were married on December 30, 1997. Looking back, of course, I know how ridiculous that is.  Anyhow, hindsight and all that.  I have many, many regrets - but marrying him is not one of them!  Just the manner in which we did. 

I was reading a blog earlier, The Widow's Voice and one of the ladies that writes on it was saying that she lived pretty much her whole adult life with her husband and now she is trying to find out who she is without him.  Scott and I were both super independant so in a way I don't feel that I don't know who I am without him but somehow I also do.  I was thinking the other day who am I going to bounce political rants off of???  He was so up to date on everything political and would indulge my ranting, no judgement.  No judgement.  That is what I'm really missing.  That safety which exists between a husband and wife.  My safety zone is gone. 

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