Tuesday, August 14, 2012

a godstop moment

Last night was bible study, we've been doing a study called "A Heart Like His" which is another Beth Moore study.  It's an older one, one of the first ones she did I think.  I hesitate to write this post because I don't want anyone to worry about me or be offended or take it personally because if you're reading this then it has nothing to do with you.  Trust me.  I'm a pretty up front kind of person so if I feel something I would have told you.  I'm going to be speaking in generalities. 
So, back to the study.  She was saying how God wants us to have certain connections with people, like we should have a multitude (church group), a group (like the group of disciples was to Jesus), a few close friends to keep us accountable, and then a relationship with God.  He wants us to interract with people and share our gifts with each other.  The whole study for me was hitting the mark.  It's so easy to be a hermit.  So easy.  My dogs love me no matter what, I don't have to explain anything or be funny or talk or listen or anything.  But people, they are a whole other story for me.  So, I withdraw.  I haven't been going to church, so strikeout multitude for me, and go ahead and take away the group too.  What that leaves is my bible study.  I almost didn't go last night because sometimes I feel disconnected there too.  I notice that I am not in the loop of their lives.  Is it because I don't text?  Is it because I don't call?  I don't know, it's probably a lot of reasons and not just me because my phone isn't ringing either.  Then she (Beth Moore) gets to the part in the study about the relationship with God and how he draws us in and if we hang back and try to just stay with our friends then we will become frustrated with them........uh, what?  Dang it!  I was caught!  Here I was just doing that, getting annoyed at my friends, and yes my family for not reaching out to me (even though I could reach out too, I realize)!!!!  Gah!  Now what?  My whole life I have been afraid to be close to anyone, really close.......and that would include God.  I start to get close and I run.  There are only a few people who have stuck by me.  So that was last night and I'm still processing it.  Mulling it.  I am thanking God that he hasn't given up on me, because frankly we've been circling this issue for years.  Me, knowing I need to draw close and sort of getting there and then pulling back, God revisiting in different ways and mediums (music, books, videos) and on and on.
And then, there's the whole thing of this video being recorded in like 1997!  It's on vhs even.  The timing is nuts.  Like how could God know that last night I needed that message that was recorded almost 15 years ago, and that we picked that study because one of the other ladies wanted to specifically do it, and I just happened to be along for the ride?  But, God is just like that.  He knows.  And as much as sometimes I just chalk things up to coincidence or fate or luck or whatever, I know that last night was perfectly timed. 
Welp, I think I've rambled enough here.  You get the picture.   I had a moment last night that got my attention, nuff said. :)

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