screaming

Today was one of those days that I could not wait to get home.  From the time I woke up and got ready for work I was already longing to be home...back in pj's and having an evening at home with my boys.  Lunchtime I was like "I've made it halfway".  And, after work I didn't even run to the store even though I'm out of sugar and woefully low on toilet paper.  Locking the door behind me I felt the best feeling - relief!  I made it through another day.  I am now home, safe.

Some days I feel like I am crawling out of my skin.  There is an uneasiness I have that wasn't there before.  A fear, a dread.  I feel melancholy creep up on me.  Today at the office an ambulance was called for a patient.  I heard the siren approaching and watched the EMT's walk by with an AED which is a mobile defibrillator.  I wasn't there when Scott died so I can only imagine the people who tried to save his life, even though it was clear he was gone. I thought today, how did they feel when they left?  After not succeeding. After seeing a young man, possibly their own age, die?  Do they still think of him?  My mind screams out against these images.  But, when I'm at my place of employment I can't exactly scream, run away or even freak out.  So I numbly pretended to be busy.

At home, I am safe.  I didn't always like this house because Scott had never lived here with me.  I resented this house, I felt exiled and lonely and scared.  I still feel that a lot, but the house has become a comfort.  I'm renting and the owner has been kind to me, accepting of my boys and me.  Now it has become my refuge from the world.  A world that feels foreign and a little bit scary.

I did get some good news today.  The ladies I used to have bible study with are getting back together and we're starting a new study.  I offered my house for the first night.  It feels like a lifeline has been thrown to me and I can't wait to get started.  I desperately need God and a bible study to focus me.