Today was one of those days that I could not wait to get home. From the time I woke up and got ready for work I was already longing to be home...back in pj's and having an evening at home with my boys. Lunchtime I was like "I've made it halfway". And, after work I didn't even run to the store even though I'm out of sugar and woefully low on toilet paper. Locking the door behind me I felt the best feeling - relief! I made it through another day. I am now home, safe.
Some days I feel like I am crawling out of my skin. There is an uneasiness I have that wasn't there before. A fear, a dread. I feel melancholy creep up on me. Today at the office an ambulance was called for a patient. I heard the siren approaching and watched the EMT's walk by with an AED which is a mobile defibrillator. I wasn't there when Scott died so I can only imagine the people who tried to save his life, even though it was clear he was gone. I thought today, how did they feel when they left? After not succeeding. After seeing a young man, possibly their own age, die? Do they still think of him? My mind screams out against these images. But, when I'm at my place of employment I can't exactly scream, run away or even freak out. So I numbly pretended to be busy.
At home, I am safe. I didn't always like this house because Scott had never lived here with me. I resented this house, I felt exiled and lonely and scared. I still feel that a lot, but the house has become a comfort. I'm renting and the owner has been kind to me, accepting of my boys and me. Now it has become my refuge from the world. A world that feels foreign and a little bit scary.
I did get some good news today. The ladies I used to have bible study with are getting back together and we're starting a new study. I offered my house for the first night. It feels like a lifeline has been thrown to me and I can't wait to get started. I desperately need God and a bible study to focus me.