ouch, man, ouch

This has been a painful, terrible night.  I was completely caught off guard by a message from someone accusing me of something I would not do, had no knowledge of, and have been called evil.  And a bunch of other awful things. To which I responded in the best way that I could that I did not know what they were talking about and that it was further than the truth than they could imagine.  Not exact words but you get the picture. To which they responded with more venom.  Less hate but still awful words to read. Words that are now burned into my head.  Initial response was complete shock.  Then wanting to clear my name. Then realized I couldn't if I tried and would just dig deeper and find out more I didn't want to know. Don't want to know. Crying, lots of crying.  If they wanted to hurt me with their words then they did it. Success! 

And for what?  Why kick a grieving person while they're down?  I don't know.  I don't want to know.  So, what do I do now?  I've already tried to explain my side to no avail.  I won't keep trying and I won't keep getting words thrown at me that are not true or are just plain hurtful.  I'm sorry you feel that way but it's just not true. So, what do I do?  I'll tell you what - I'm going to pray for you!  I am too tired, too full of grief to fight.  I know you are in pain too and I have nothing to offer for comfort. Except the God of the universe who loves you!  Take that! baha. I'm not going to pretend that your words did not hurt me, because they did.  They found their mark. But.


"The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit." Proverbs 18:21


I will not continue to "eat" death. I can't. 

"But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you" Matthew 5:44

I will pray for you because God's grace is for everyone, not just me.  I can't do it by myself, God gives me the strength to.  I'll end with this doozy:

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:31-32.

holiday dread

The holidays are coming! The holidays are coming! I feel as though someone is shouting at me like in the Revolution when the Redcoats were coming and they needed to get ready for imminent battle.  I am not looking forward to the holidays.  I don't know what I want to do, where I want to be, who I want to be with (um, except Scott, duh) or what in the whoville is going to happen.  I feel as though I am walking on eggshells at all times, I get invites and I don't want to commit to anyone.  So then I feel like I'm hurting their feelings.  But, really, I don't know how I feel.  I don't know what will feel good on these important upcoming days.  I waffle back and forth between wanting to be around friends and family and then back to wanting to hide.  I don't want to be around "someone else's family" and watch them interact - either good or bad.  I definitely don't want to be around any bickering.  I don't want to witness people not appreciating the immense blessing of just having their loved one still alive.  But, then I feel like I'm not giving my friends and family enough credit.  They probably feel like they are the ones walking on eggshells because at any second I could cry.  If I hear a diesel truck drive by I will cry.  If someone talks about hunting, guns, fishing, tractors, boots, camo, military, plaid shirts, dogs, cats,  video games, ooooh just about anything right now that maybe, might remind me of Scott - I might cry.  And right now, I need to be somewhere that's okay.  Where I don't have to be strong and hold myself together.  I've got a whole bunch of firsts coming up, Thanksgiving, my birthday, his birthday, Christmas, our 16th wedding anniversary and then New Year's.  Whammo.  And I'm not looking forward to any of it.  I'm not sending out Christmas cards, sorry.  I don't know if I'll be able to hold myself together.  I do have one trip coming up that I am looking forward to and I'm just hoping and praying it will be peaceful and that I won't offend or hurt anyone.

Last week I said I needed to live in a bubble.  But only if that bubble would be made out of kevlar, have enough room for dogs, and have some sort of weapon just in case.  So, really I need a tank.  I wish I could make myself not feel, protect myself somehow from the pain that continues to come in waves.  It's going to be 8 months in 2 weeks and it still feels so fresh, my mind still sees him and can't believe he's gone.  I still imagine what he'd be doing on a sunny, crisp day - what project he'd be working on outside.  Then today it was rainy a bit and overcast so I imagine what he'd have going on in his shop.  He always had talk radio playing in the shop, or a book on tape.  Always.  I can still see him there.  

home

Ok. So.  I finally have internet at home.  I know.  so behind the times.  But, really it's more than that - I'm stubborn and cheap  frugal. Why pay a monthly bill when I can go to the library and use it for free?  Well, as with anything, there was a final straw a week and a half ago.  It went a little something like this: I went to the library and was looking around at blogs, facebook, pinterest, the usual time suckers.  Someone (else) in the community computer area kept farting.  Not just like, whoops let one go and pretend it didn't happen.  Repeated. Disgusting. Farting.  And I knew, right then that I was done being frugal.  It is worth $30 a month to me not to have that happen again. You know?

This morning has been super cozy.  I'm having one of those days that I pretend I live on the coast.  And there is a big lake here so kinda......?  I've done this before, pretended that I really live on the coast and that even though I can't see the ocean, it's there.  It's super chilly out, like 30-ish.  So warm inside and chilly out.  I have a yummy soup in the crock pot, which I'll be taking to a friend who had surgery later today.  The dogs are snoozy.  The light is juuuuust so in the house.  Not sure why that all adds up to coast, but it does for me.  Since it's so cozy and coastal here I don't want to go anywhere or do anything.  I've had two cups of java and just want to knit.

But!  And here's the thing that's been happening to me lately.  I say lately and what I mean is like the past 2 years :) I have so many things, projects to work on that I don't do anything!  I want to look at other people's projects, read other people's blogs, look at fabric at the store, oogle yarn on websites and in person.  I want to buy things, set everything up just perfectly.  Like this morning I was reading a blog of a lady knitting socks, and she had solid sock blockers, which I can't find around here.  My first inclination is to find a website, waste time finding others to compare, hem and haw on price. Bah!

It's worse since Scott died.  I have trouble some days wanting to get out of bed, let alone DO anything.  When I do, though, I feel pretty good about it.  Sometimes it's also hard to make myself stay home, where it's so quiet, too quiet.  I have been trying to set aside a bit of time where I'm just knitting.  Like in the morning, I'll be like I am going to sit and knit for 20 minutes.  The weekends are tricky.  I feel like a kid let out for recess and there are sooooo many things to do! and see!  I'm just running around the playground trying to decide which toy will be most fun and then the bell rings and recess is over.

This afternoon I'm going to stay in and get a few things done.  And it will feel good once I do.  There will definitely be some Christmas music playing too :)

socks

So here is my first pair of socks!  I asked my coworker Karla to take a picture since my camera is still on the fritz so I could share it.  The yarn stripes itself! They are very, very comfortable.  Towards the end of the day they did kind of stretch a bit but not too bad.  I love them!

I've already started another pair.  The first pair was a toe up pattern with an afterthought heel, meaning you start knitting at the toe and then increase to the desired width then knit until it's at the heel, add some waste yarn then knit a bit more, then start the ribbing for the cuff.  I did an extra stretchy bind off.  For the heel you go back, take out the waste yarn and knit around, decreasing, then do a kitchener stitch to bind off.  The toe up version I did was a very clean cast on, you can't even tell that's the spot to cast on!  The kitchener closure is a similar experience, so clean looking.  

I'm doing basically the same pattern for the second pair, with a little exception, I'm adding some texture!  One of the bloggers I read made a few socks with this pattern, the Hermione everyday sock pattern, and I like the way it looks.  It's a series of 4 stitches in each row that repeats which looks easy enough to me :)

And I bought this mug because it makes me happy :) I've decided then I will drink tea at work in the afternoon so it wasn't really a frivolous purchase. Money well spent methinks.

Still no photos. Bah! Will aspire to find a camera or fix the one I have....soon.

In the meantime, last weekend I found this pattern at Joann's and sewed it up and I love it!  I cut out another one last night and will hopefully stitch it today.  It's super comfy and I like the fit.

I am down to just the heels to finish on my first pair of socks.  Turns out socks are not as hard as I had made them to be in my head.  I'm glad I decided to try them out.  I have so many ideas now of socks and sweaters and such to knit in my head.

I'm also thinking ahead to next Summer.  I am thinking of a garden, a for reals garden.  Not just one zucchini plant that barely eeks out 1 squash.  That's one of the things I love about living here is that I actually look forward to Summer all year.  Growing up in 100+ degree heat during summer I hated summer and dreaded it.  Now, I actually soak up the warmth and plan ahead for it.

Last night driving home from the cemetery it snowed over the pass!  It was slushy and I'm sure melted off quickly but while driving in it I was like, snow already?  In an odd way I'm kind of looking forward to that too though.  Cozy, knitting, staying inside weather.

regrets

I know I haven't blogged in awhile. Nothing new to say. My camera is still not fixed and I still haven't looked for a new camera so I don't have any pictures of the crafty things I've been up to. I've been knitting a lot, sewing/quilting some and hanging with my pups a lot.


I also regret a lot lately. So, just because basically I'm the only widow I know there are so many things I didn't know going into this experience. I mean, you sort of expect older people to start dying, but my 37 year old husband? No, I didn't expect that. Neither did he. He went to sleep and never woke up. So now, every morning I wake up I think "I made it through another night" and look around at my dogs to make sure I'm really here. I regret selling his truck and so many of his things so soon. Why didn't I keep them? I don't know. I regret not keeping some of his ashes with me. Why didn't I keep them? Well, that one I know. At the time I was creeped out by the idea of keeping his ashes in the house. My advice is this ever happens to you is to keep some aside just in case. Because after the shock and the freakiness fades you might want a piece of your loved one close. I know I wish I had. And, now there is sense that I can't ever move. I can't leave him. I don't want to miss a week taking flowers to his grave, miss that honor. I want his grave to be cared for. If you don't know what I mean you will never know what I mean until this happens to you. There is no explaining it until you've lost someone so deeply close that the thought of ever even leaving their ashes is devastating. I mean, I KNOW they are just ashes. I know. But, even if it was his body buried I would have trouble leaving that too, probably even more. I know he's gone and he doesn't know I'm there talking to him and bringing him flowers.


Regret is a terrible thing. The what-ifs are terrible. What if I had somehow known his heart was giving out? What if he had told me he had chest pain? What if he had finally quit smoking like he was trying to do? What if he had switched doctors to someone who really, really wanted to run tests on every one and somehow it was caught? What if I had known that he had an abnormal ekg when he was in the Army? What if he stopped eating McDonalds? What if I made him only super healthy low fat everything food (that he would have hated)? What if? What if? What if? What if 6 months ago I didn't lose my best friend, my husband, the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and thought I'd watch get old? Or how about what if I could stop thinking what if?


This is an inevitable phase of grief, I know. But it sucks. I feel like nothing is real. Sometimes I question our life together at all. I have pictures as proof but I question myself, my sanity. I replay the words over and over again "Scott is dead". I picture him in the funeral home with the tube in his mouth and have to shake it loose. I HAD to see him to believe it and then I had keep going to see him because it just couldn't be real. Right before Scott went to Korea for a year after we had been married a year, we went on a long vacation to California. I had to get on a plane first to fly back to Tennessee where we were living at the time. I could not leave him. My legs were lead and I could not physically walk away from him. I did, I eventually had to but it was the hardest walk I ever had until the day I had to walk away from him knowing he would be cremated. How could I leave him? I didn't want to but I had no choice. Now people ask me if I am going to move or stay here and I feel the same way.



As always with my posts, I know there is nothing you can say or do to make me feel better and I don't expect it. I just need to talk, get it out. No offense intended in any way but this is for me.