home

Ok. So.  I finally have internet at home.  I know.  so behind the times.  But, really it's more than that - I'm stubborn and cheap  frugal. Why pay a monthly bill when I can go to the library and use it for free?  Well, as with anything, there was a final straw a week and a half ago.  It went a little something like this: I went to the library and was looking around at blogs, facebook, pinterest, the usual time suckers.  Someone (else) in the community computer area kept farting.  Not just like, whoops let one go and pretend it didn't happen.  Repeated. Disgusting. Farting.  And I knew, right then that I was done being frugal.  It is worth $30 a month to me not to have that happen again. You know?

This morning has been super cozy.  I'm having one of those days that I pretend I live on the coast.  And there is a big lake here so kinda......?  I've done this before, pretended that I really live on the coast and that even though I can't see the ocean, it's there.  It's super chilly out, like 30-ish.  So warm inside and chilly out.  I have a yummy soup in the crock pot, which I'll be taking to a friend who had surgery later today.  The dogs are snoozy.  The light is juuuuust so in the house.  Not sure why that all adds up to coast, but it does for me.  Since it's so cozy and coastal here I don't want to go anywhere or do anything.  I've had two cups of java and just want to knit.

But!  And here's the thing that's been happening to me lately.  I say lately and what I mean is like the past 2 years :) I have so many things, projects to work on that I don't do anything!  I want to look at other people's projects, read other people's blogs, look at fabric at the store, oogle yarn on websites and in person.  I want to buy things, set everything up just perfectly.  Like this morning I was reading a blog of a lady knitting socks, and she had solid sock blockers, which I can't find around here.  My first inclination is to find a website, waste time finding others to compare, hem and haw on price. Bah!

It's worse since Scott died.  I have trouble some days wanting to get out of bed, let alone DO anything.  When I do, though, I feel pretty good about it.  Sometimes it's also hard to make myself stay home, where it's so quiet, too quiet.  I have been trying to set aside a bit of time where I'm just knitting.  Like in the morning, I'll be like I am going to sit and knit for 20 minutes.  The weekends are tricky.  I feel like a kid let out for recess and there are sooooo many things to do! and see!  I'm just running around the playground trying to decide which toy will be most fun and then the bell rings and recess is over.

This afternoon I'm going to stay in and get a few things done.  And it will feel good once I do.  There will definitely be some Christmas music playing too :)

socks

So here is my first pair of socks!  I asked my coworker Karla to take a picture since my camera is still on the fritz so I could share it.  The yarn stripes itself! They are very, very comfortable.  Towards the end of the day they did kind of stretch a bit but not too bad.  I love them!

I've already started another pair.  The first pair was a toe up pattern with an afterthought heel, meaning you start knitting at the toe and then increase to the desired width then knit until it's at the heel, add some waste yarn then knit a bit more, then start the ribbing for the cuff.  I did an extra stretchy bind off.  For the heel you go back, take out the waste yarn and knit around, decreasing, then do a kitchener stitch to bind off.  The toe up version I did was a very clean cast on, you can't even tell that's the spot to cast on!  The kitchener closure is a similar experience, so clean looking.  

I'm doing basically the same pattern for the second pair, with a little exception, I'm adding some texture!  One of the bloggers I read made a few socks with this pattern, the Hermione everyday sock pattern, and I like the way it looks.  It's a series of 4 stitches in each row that repeats which looks easy enough to me :)

And I bought this mug because it makes me happy :) I've decided then I will drink tea at work in the afternoon so it wasn't really a frivolous purchase. Money well spent methinks.

Still no photos. Bah! Will aspire to find a camera or fix the one I have....soon.

In the meantime, last weekend I found this pattern at Joann's and sewed it up and I love it!  I cut out another one last night and will hopefully stitch it today.  It's super comfy and I like the fit.

I am down to just the heels to finish on my first pair of socks.  Turns out socks are not as hard as I had made them to be in my head.  I'm glad I decided to try them out.  I have so many ideas now of socks and sweaters and such to knit in my head.

I'm also thinking ahead to next Summer.  I am thinking of a garden, a for reals garden.  Not just one zucchini plant that barely eeks out 1 squash.  That's one of the things I love about living here is that I actually look forward to Summer all year.  Growing up in 100+ degree heat during summer I hated summer and dreaded it.  Now, I actually soak up the warmth and plan ahead for it.

Last night driving home from the cemetery it snowed over the pass!  It was slushy and I'm sure melted off quickly but while driving in it I was like, snow already?  In an odd way I'm kind of looking forward to that too though.  Cozy, knitting, staying inside weather.

regrets

I know I haven't blogged in awhile. Nothing new to say. My camera is still not fixed and I still haven't looked for a new camera so I don't have any pictures of the crafty things I've been up to. I've been knitting a lot, sewing/quilting some and hanging with my pups a lot.


I also regret a lot lately. So, just because basically I'm the only widow I know there are so many things I didn't know going into this experience. I mean, you sort of expect older people to start dying, but my 37 year old husband? No, I didn't expect that. Neither did he. He went to sleep and never woke up. So now, every morning I wake up I think "I made it through another night" and look around at my dogs to make sure I'm really here. I regret selling his truck and so many of his things so soon. Why didn't I keep them? I don't know. I regret not keeping some of his ashes with me. Why didn't I keep them? Well, that one I know. At the time I was creeped out by the idea of keeping his ashes in the house. My advice is this ever happens to you is to keep some aside just in case. Because after the shock and the freakiness fades you might want a piece of your loved one close. I know I wish I had. And, now there is sense that I can't ever move. I can't leave him. I don't want to miss a week taking flowers to his grave, miss that honor. I want his grave to be cared for. If you don't know what I mean you will never know what I mean until this happens to you. There is no explaining it until you've lost someone so deeply close that the thought of ever even leaving their ashes is devastating. I mean, I KNOW they are just ashes. I know. But, even if it was his body buried I would have trouble leaving that too, probably even more. I know he's gone and he doesn't know I'm there talking to him and bringing him flowers.


Regret is a terrible thing. The what-ifs are terrible. What if I had somehow known his heart was giving out? What if he had told me he had chest pain? What if he had finally quit smoking like he was trying to do? What if he had switched doctors to someone who really, really wanted to run tests on every one and somehow it was caught? What if I had known that he had an abnormal ekg when he was in the Army? What if he stopped eating McDonalds? What if I made him only super healthy low fat everything food (that he would have hated)? What if? What if? What if? What if 6 months ago I didn't lose my best friend, my husband, the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and thought I'd watch get old? Or how about what if I could stop thinking what if?


This is an inevitable phase of grief, I know. But it sucks. I feel like nothing is real. Sometimes I question our life together at all. I have pictures as proof but I question myself, my sanity. I replay the words over and over again "Scott is dead". I picture him in the funeral home with the tube in his mouth and have to shake it loose. I HAD to see him to believe it and then I had keep going to see him because it just couldn't be real. Right before Scott went to Korea for a year after we had been married a year, we went on a long vacation to California. I had to get on a plane first to fly back to Tennessee where we were living at the time. I could not leave him. My legs were lead and I could not physically walk away from him. I did, I eventually had to but it was the hardest walk I ever had until the day I had to walk away from him knowing he would be cremated. How could I leave him? I didn't want to but I had no choice. Now people ask me if I am going to move or stay here and I feel the same way.



As always with my posts, I know there is nothing you can say or do to make me feel better and I don't expect it. I just need to talk, get it out. No offense intended in any way but this is for me.

not okay

A few years ago I thought it would be a good idea to take one of the little canoes (boat? idk) and row across the little pond. It was a beautiful clear day and Scott was out fishing in one of the "real" boats. The way across was great, the way back not so much. It turned out there was quite a breeze that had picked up. Try as I might I wasn't getting much distance between the shore and me. Also, I am very, very prone to sea sickness. I kept thinking that any second Scott would come motoring up in the real boat and save me. Nope. I ended up against a cattle gate on one of the shores and very close to losing my lunch. I did the only rational thing that came to mind at the time - I got out of the boat. Sea sickness thwarted. But now I had to get me and the boat back to the dock and out of the neighbor's field. So, I grabbed the rope on the boat and started walking the shore. There was a big tree in my way so I tried to get back in the boat thinking I could at least row around the tree and get back out to walk. That didn't work either and I ended up swimming in the algae filled pond pulling the boat behind me. When it was shallow enough to walk I would, but the algae is so thick you can't see in the water and I would crack my shins along the way on rocks under the water. Did I mention this pond is right alongside the highway? Oh yeah, it is and various autos felt like they also needed to honk at me as I struggled. Hilarious. I did, eventually, make it to the dock.

Sometimes this story seems very funny to me. Lately, though, it seems to sum up my life very succinctly. I think I have a great idea and things are okay, and then they are not. They are very bad. and I struggle along pulling the weight of my emotions behind me. And there are onlookers (friends, family, anyone else with an opinion) who honk at me along the way. Perhaps they consider this help? Or maybe they just have an opinion and don't care to listen to me or offer help either way it's just noise to me. and distracting.

When Scott was alive we had struggles. Every relationship does. We talked a lot about whatever would bother the other one. He would always say "I'm okay, you're okay, WE'RE okay." and it would soothe the situation. In the big picture he was right. Onlookers never understood us. I can't tell you how many times the advice I was given was to give up, get divorced, throw a fit, or any other thing to do to get my way. I refused to give up on "US". And frankly, that was a very lonely place to be - when anyone I'd seek comfort or support from only wanted me to give up, or badmouth him. I stopped talking to people about my relationship. But, I could always talk to Scott - about anything and everything. He was the only person in my life ever who knew every single thing about me, everything. And he loved me anyway. No matter what I brought to him. We were in the same boat together no matter what. It was always I'm okay, you're okay, we're okay.

Now he's dead. So he's not okay. Which brings me to I'm not okay. And there is no more "we". What now? I'm struggling to believe he's even gone and he's not here for me bounce ideas off of, to talk to to make sense of anything so it's even less real. Nothing was ever for real until I talked to him about it and processed how I felt. I hate not having him here, I hate that there is nothing left. I hate that my memory is crap and I feel like I've lost half of myself - my brain included because he had a great memory and would remind me of places, things, people. For 17 years it was the two of us and a lot of those years were away from anyone that is around me now, so they have no idea what we went through or that place in Kentucky that we went to that one time.


There is no answer and I don't expect anyone to try - you can't make it better and neither can I right now. I'm just wading through this murky pond, cracking my shins on giant rocks and my arms and legs are tired. And it hurts. And I can't even see the dock or any relief.

um, and so

I know I haven't written in awhile. Sorry. I guess I was feeling like all I talk about is sad stuff and I don't want to bum everyone out all the time. I feel v.sad a lot of the time and still just really can't believe Scott is gone. Rest assured that I am still sewing, knitting and making pickles! My camera is on the fritz so that's another reason I haven't blogged. I mean, I could write a completely detailed description of the quilt top I just finished but it's so much better to see a snapshot, yes? So the yarn store here in town has a little get together on Tuesday nights after work and then again on Saturday afternoon. I went to both last week and it was nice. I have just finished another bunny and sweater for him. He's super cute.